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You've never done anything wrong. How does that feel?

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Everything you've ever done is just the best that you knew how to do in the moment, and it's only later that we go back and we judge it as being right or wrong.

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The right or wrong is a judgment that we layer on top of what actually happened,

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and that judgment is what keeps you resisting the past.

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I wanna get to that place of, you know, feeling like I have some freedom.

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Like, that was the intention when I started the business thinking, like, oh, I'll I'll be in charge of my own time.

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Because the moment that you think that you did something wrong, then you're also gonna be scared that you're gonna do something wrong in the future.

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What's one thing that you know to be true now?

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Welcome everybody, to another episode of the podcast.

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I got an incredible guest here today, Karen Allen. I am excited to get to know you, Karen.

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All I know right now is that you are living in Ottawa, Canada, and you probably have an online business of some sort.

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I do. So I'm a coach Yes. And,

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specifically a love and empowerment coach.

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So I work with, women usually in midlife who've been through a breakup or a series of bad relationships.

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And, they can't quite figure out why they're successful in their careers, another area of their life, but not in their relationships.

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And there's always a lot of underlying patterns going on there, so I help them to I bet.

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Rebuild their life and confidence and to change those patterns,

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so that it's not just about,

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you know, finding a partner.

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It's about having better quality relationships with everybody and better quality relationship with themselves too so that they're Love it.

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Most of the women I work with don't do very well at prioritizing themselves and their happiness and their well-being.

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So that's kinda step one is fixing that piece of the pie. So I have a front end program that helps,

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women post divorce breakup to rebuild their life and confidence

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and get, you know, get to a place of feeling good again.

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And then the second program is about dating.

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Yeah. Cool. Amazing. Did you say love and empowerment?

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Yeah. Because, really, the empowerment part is the biggest piece.

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Like, I don't I'm not a dating coach. I do teach my clients how to date

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strategically and effectively and safely in this nutty world.

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Mhmm. But that part comes later.

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Like, really, most of my clients are struggling with, you know, patterns of codependency and overgiving and things like that.

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So we have to deal with those issues first. And

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so, really, I'd say what my expertise is in particular and where where I'm different from most relationship coaches is I'm not teaching people how to catch a guy or what words to say in text.

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I'm I'm teaching

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I'm teaching them fundamentally how to love and value themselves so that Yeah.

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They they are naturally,

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you know, setting themselves up for better quality relationships.

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Fantastic. I love that. That's amazing work. Very important. Very much needed. That's incredible.

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Good on you.

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What inspired you to do this work?

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Well, off as often the case, for those of us in helping professions, we start out because we were struggling with the same stuff.

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Right? So I've been

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both widowed and divorced.

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My first husband died when I was 22. And Holy shit.

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Yeah. Yeah. It was,

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a crash course in

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in loss and grief and rebuilding your life.

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I eventually

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remarried,

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had kids,

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and realized I was in a relationship with a good person, but we were just so opposites that nothing was working.

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And we could torture ourselves for ten more years or realize that it wasn't a good fit.

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So,

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split up with a two and a four year old hanging on to my leg and Wow.

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Started a business at the same time. So I kinda jumped off two cliffs at the same time, and,

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and here we are 16

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years old. 16?

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Yeah. Yeah. So so,

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yeah.

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So and and then after that, I took a break from and just decided to focus on me doing the work I teach other women to do,

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and,

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and learned how to finally, you know, put my happiness first and take care of myself myself properly.

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Like, I was taking care of everyone else.

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Mhmm.

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Yeah. And so

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got to a really good place. But then when I started dating, I was repeating patterns.

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I was like, why am I such a magnet for narcissists? Like, dear god.

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And so it took me quite Gaming me. No.

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Yeah. Like, no kidding.

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It took me quite a few years to figure it out because there was nobody doing what I do.

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There's lots of dating coaches teaching techniques to date, but they don't teach, you know, how do you avoid the wrong ones and what is it in you that gets drawn to the wrong ones?

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And nobody was really looking at that. So Mhmm.

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Once I kind of pieced it together, then I retrained as a coach and I built my own programs.

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And Mhmm. And, so I've been doing,

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my coaching work for,

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going on thirteen years. My programs have been running for ten, and I was doing really great

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until last year, and then everything kinda went sideways simultaneously.

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And so now I'm trying to figure out this this is what led me to the call with you.

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It's like, dear god, how do I

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what do I even do at this point to fix what isn't working?

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Because I haven't been able to pay myself for half a year, and that is not a fun position to be in.

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So No.

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No. That sucks. Yeah. Okay.

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Let's, let's see what we can do. So can I ask what happened with your first husband?

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Cancer. And

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since lost my dad and brother to cancer and my mom to Alzheimer's.

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So, apparently, my soul chose a lifetime of

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grief and loss.

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Yeah.

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I'm I'm laughing not because it was funny, but I I have moved through that obviously at this point.

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Yeah. But I've had,

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like, part of what went wrong in my business was what was happening to me personally.

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In the last ten years, I've lost 12 loved ones.

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So, like, it's a lot to try to juggle that while being a single parent to two children while running a business,

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and my nervous system just flatlined. So last year, I hit a massive burnout. And,

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so I'm trying to rebuild my business in a way that supports my nervous system.

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It doesn't

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I wanna get to that place of, you know, feeling like I have some freedom.

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Like, that was the intention when I started the business thinking like, oh, I'll I'll be in charge of my own time.

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Mhmm. I'll have financial freedom.

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And then I kinda just work myself into a corner to where especially the way,

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the the business

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model structure that I had chosen, it requires my effort all the time.

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And there's no there's no real passive income coming in or way for me to step back.

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So if I do need to take care of my health or even when my dad died and my brother died, like, my dad, my brother, my stepdaughter died in a seven month period.

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And

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I'm trying to take care of two of those three

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and,

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which requires me to step back from my business but then as soon as I step back from my business everything grinds to a halt.

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And then

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so and then similarly last year, I needed to take care of myself

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and everything grinds to a halt. So I'm like, okay. There's gotta be a solution to this. And

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but yeah. Anyway and I don't know how much else you wanna know with my business. Yeah.

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I'll let you lead. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Okay.

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We'll definitely we'll definitely I definitely wanna go there.

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But first, I just wanna so one of the lenses that that like, my whole work, if you will, is, like, the transition from the world of duality

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to

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operating from the world in the world of soul. Right? Yeah. I've been very much on that journey.

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Right.

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I'm on the journey. I wouldn't say I'm there, but I'm on the journey. Yeah. Yeah.

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I mean, none of us are. Right? It's like Yeah. We would be dead.

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We wouldn't be here anymore, I think.

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And we were.

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So in the world of duality, right, we can't have light without dark.

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We can't have joy without sadness.

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We can't have loss without what?

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Well, without a connection. Like, I mean, if anything, the the

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I do think at 51, the number of people I've lost in my life is a little unusual.

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We all eventually lose people, but I I I lost a lot of people and lost them early and lost them young.

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So, like, half those people died young. So Yeah.

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But the the on the flip side of grief is, first of all, it does two things.

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I think it's part of what makes me so empathic and and compassionate because it just it just cracks your heart open.

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But, it also makes you appreciate the people you have in your life in a whole another level because you know that

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people take for granted how long they have people for, I think. I don't

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because I've lost a lot of them.

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So I really value the people in my life, and I always say people before things. And so Yes.

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You know?

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Yeah. Amazing. So so just there's two things here. Just logically, I love everything you're saying.

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Logically,

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light, dark,

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joy, sadness. Mhmm.

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Loss, what?

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I mean, I think joy? I I don't know. Loss. You lost something? What's

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You got gain, gain, I guess. Right. Yeah. Gain. Yeah. Gain. Right? You lost something. You found it.

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You gained something. Alright.

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So if there's loss, there's gain. So what's the gain?

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Relative to each person, I'm trying to figure out how to globally like, I I've kinda learned different things from each person I've lost.

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I gained a different perspective on life

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for sure.

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I gained

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the understanding of what really matters and what doesn't.

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And I I definitely, one of my learning lessons in all these people, especially the ones who died young, was the importance of taking better care of my physical health.

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And,

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I think I gained more of a connection with my

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spirit too with,

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with source, call it what you will.

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Yeah. For sure. Because when somebody dies, you're searching for meaning.

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You're searching for, like, why did this happen?

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And especially when they die young, like, what is the meaning in this? What are we here for?

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It definitely caused me my my my husband died when I was only 22. Like, we were married.

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I had a wedding and a funeral six weeks apart.

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Did you get to heal soon when you got married?

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Not when we got engaged. Like so we've been together two years. We got engaged.

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The same month we got engaged, we found out he was dying.

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We were planning on waiting two years to get married, but

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the doctor said you got three months.

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So we decided to get married more just for the love and symbolism of it. And then six weeks after

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Yeah. We had a funeral. So it was the same people. It was a very strange situation for sure.

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And, twenty, twenty one, you know, you're barely a person of that age. I guess I know.

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And and it was

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hard because nobody understood what I was going through.

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I mean, certainly, none of my friends had lost someone, and my parents' generation hadn't even lost anybody yet.

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Like, I was really on the young side of having this happen, so I didn't really have a lot of support for that.

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So I learned a lot.

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It's part of why I do so much work around emotions and emotional regulation with my clients because I learned the price of burying your feelings, which is what I did at the time because I didn't know what else to do.

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And then I went into a two year depression. So I I certainly experienced the cost of

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doing the wrong thing with grief and sadness,

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versus allowing yourself to feel your emotions and and not shaming yourself for what you're feeling and finding the support you need.

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So I I I learned so many things from that experience.

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But definitely what the death of my husband did was it caused me to go, like,

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to look for spiritual meaning.

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That was probably the real biggest gain, especially from his death was trying to understand. And,

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you know, I I had questions around, you know, is there life after death? My conclusion is yes.

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My conclusion is our souls go on.

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I've had enough communication with all my loved ones who've passed over that I have zero doubt anymore that we change form.

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We don't stop being.

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So I've made peace

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with that.

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It's still hard to lose somebody in their physical form, but I have absolute belief we continue in our spiritual form.

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So the biggest gain is probably the spiritual component, I would say. Yeah. Yeah.

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So beautiful. I'm so touched I'm so touched by your

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I mean, it's your story and the the the I empathize with the pain that you had to that you went through, and and I can feel it as you're talking about it.

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Yeah.

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You're

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you're one hell of a soul.

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Well, it's funny because I go through these moments.

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I was talking to my friend about this yesterday. It's like,

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I don't know. My soul signed up for a whole shit ton of things in this lifetime, and,

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I guess it's because it thought it could handle it. There's days where I don't feel I can handle it.

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Like, this stretch of now seven months of no income, I'm like, my god. I'm like, okay.

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I'm trying to trust and surrender and allow and believe and just take the next best step, But I feel like I have zero visibility to what the hell the pathway pathway is in front of me.

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I can tell I'm being redirected or something needs to change. And I've been trying to figure out the

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but I know ultimately, that's just me trying to control everything.

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And so it's this weird thing of I need to do something because I need income, but I'm trying to trust and surrender and allow at the same time.

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It's a weird I don't know if you've experienced this, but it's a weird thing to try to juggle because you're you know, you need to take some action because, like, you know, you gotta pay your bills, but you also

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I I I know enough about spirituality and how the universe works that when something big happens that you don't like, because that's happened to me so many times now, there's a blessing in that.

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There's a silver lining. So I'm like, okay.

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Well, there's something in here I'm meant to be experiencing. So

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exactly. Yeah. No. I've I've I

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I certainly know exactly that place. Yeah.

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There's one there's one small habit that I just wanna call out.

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It's

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you've

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a number of times done you you talk in the you in the second person.

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When you lose your husband, then you this, then you that, then you this.

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It's just a common way to deflect a little bit to to avoid

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actually owning

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what it is. Right? So

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I think it's the natural teacher in me, and I'm a very other oriented person.

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00:14:25.645 --> 00:14:33.420
So I'm always trying to see how what I'm experiencing can benefit others and other it's part of how I've gotten meaning out of things, I guess.

221
00:14:33.899 --> 00:14:38.160
Yeah. But, yeah, like, I mean, when my brother died a couple years ago,

222
00:14:38.940 --> 00:14:42.320
it was like I was going through the death of my husband all over again because

223
00:14:43.500 --> 00:14:48.015
I was watching my sister-in-law take care of my brother the exact same way, almost exact same age.

224
00:14:48.015 --> 00:14:50.274
Like, the the the parallels were so weird.

225
00:14:50.735 --> 00:14:55.615
Mhmm. And it just rocked my world because in my brother's case, I didn't feel that he had to die.

226
00:14:55.615 --> 00:14:59.315
Like, he he was an alcoholic, and Mhmm.

227
00:14:59.540 --> 00:15:04.180
He didn't know how to man like, how to deal with the emotions from the experiences we had in childhood.

228
00:15:04.180 --> 00:15:08.180
And I had tried a number of times to get through to him, and he just wouldn't accept anybody's help.

229
00:15:08.180 --> 00:15:10.040
And it was so hard to watch him

230
00:15:10.500 --> 00:15:11.480
spiral down.

231
00:15:12.100 --> 00:15:14.280
Mhmm. So that was soul crushing. Yeah.

232
00:15:15.035 --> 00:15:16.495
So that was part of what

233
00:15:16.875 --> 00:15:21.135
you know, losing my dad and my brother back to back, and my brother just seems so tragic that,

234
00:15:22.075 --> 00:15:23.915
it just took a minute out of my sales.

235
00:15:23.915 --> 00:15:30.120
And then I started questioning my mission and my business and what am I doing, and I lost my energy and my motivation.

236
00:15:30.120 --> 00:15:31.740
So that was kinda last year.

237
00:15:32.200 --> 00:15:35.579
Mhmm. Now I think I've reconnected with my mission, but it's,

238
00:15:37.160 --> 00:15:40.600
but the abundance part hasn't come back yet. Like, I Yeah.

239
00:15:40.600 --> 00:15:45.095
I've gotten back to a point of feeling good, but something is something's not clicking.

240
00:15:45.555 --> 00:15:49.475
We'll we'll figure it out. We'll we'll see where we where we can get to. Yeah. We'll figure it out.

241
00:15:49.475 --> 00:15:51.575
So there I I I wanna,

242
00:15:53.075 --> 00:15:55.095
double click on the loss and gain.

243
00:15:55.475 --> 00:15:58.055
There's a I there's a a man I heard speak.

244
00:16:00.730 --> 00:16:03.629
It's actually a Tony Robbins event. It was it was it was beautiful.

245
00:16:04.889 --> 00:16:11.129
And this man was talking about how he lost his son and how he processed the grief and worked through it.

246
00:16:11.129 --> 00:16:15.585
And but it was clear from his talking about it that he he had mentally

247
00:16:16.125 --> 00:16:19.425
kinda moved through it, but there's still a piece there that he was

248
00:16:19.885 --> 00:16:23.245
that he hadn't worked through, and and he wasn't aware of it of it himself.

249
00:16:23.245 --> 00:16:25.825
And so at the end of that talk, Tony,

250
00:16:26.529 --> 00:16:28.630
you know, takes the microphone, and he's like,

251
00:16:29.250 --> 00:16:30.470
listen, my friend.

252
00:16:31.410 --> 00:16:32.630
Here's the thing you're missing

253
00:16:33.250 --> 00:16:33.750
is

254
00:16:34.850 --> 00:16:36.710
it's not that your son died.

255
00:16:38.130 --> 00:16:41.805
You're you're he did die. Right? But you're focusing on the fact that your son

256
00:16:42.765 --> 00:16:45.505
died instead of focusing on the fact that your son lived.

257
00:16:46.285 --> 00:16:46.785
Mhmm.

258
00:16:47.165 --> 00:16:50.545
Right? The fact that he died doesn't take away from from the fact that he lived.

259
00:16:51.885 --> 00:16:56.070
Right? But now you take that moment of he died and makes it, like, dominate things.

260
00:16:56.230 --> 00:17:00.250
And I know that you've done so much work on this. You've processed so much.

261
00:17:00.630 --> 00:17:05.369
But the way you tell the story is still around focused around the loss.

262
00:17:06.550 --> 00:17:09.135
So there's a habit there, and there's also a cultural habit. Right?

263
00:17:09.295 --> 00:17:13.315
Everybody's gonna say, oh my god, you lost your husband. Oh my god, you lost your brother.

264
00:17:13.775 --> 00:17:16.895
Like, that's tragic. It's terrible. It shouldn't have happened. It was too early.

265
00:17:16.895 --> 00:17:21.474
It's too like, it wasn't his time yet. Whatever. Like, that's not how the universe works.

266
00:17:21.775 --> 00:17:24.675
Right? Nobody nobody goes before their time.

267
00:17:25.270 --> 00:17:29.290
Like like, there's this Ayurvedic saying that that a thousand doctors

268
00:17:29.990 --> 00:17:30.490
can't,

269
00:17:30.790 --> 00:17:37.450
you know, keep a man alive, you know, past his time, and a thousand swords can't kill a man before his time.

270
00:17:38.185 --> 00:17:43.485
Right? People go when they go. They go when they're supposed to go. Maybe your first husband

271
00:17:43.785 --> 00:17:45.645
went because I don't know. Whatever

272
00:17:46.105 --> 00:17:47.405
his soul there's something

273
00:17:47.785 --> 00:17:50.925
that that his soul decided this is not functioning, and

274
00:17:51.385 --> 00:17:52.605
it would be a huge

275
00:17:53.160 --> 00:17:54.540
gift to you to actually

276
00:17:54.840 --> 00:17:55.900
go through this

277
00:17:56.200 --> 00:18:05.340
so that you could really reconnect with yourself on a spiritual level in a whole different way so that you could be a gift to so many other women and people

278
00:18:05.720 --> 00:18:06.940
and men out there

279
00:18:07.414 --> 00:18:11.434
with what you've gained from this. Right? And that was the gift to you. And so

280
00:18:11.815 --> 00:18:13.195
it's like everything

281
00:18:13.735 --> 00:18:17.274
is you remembering everything that happens happens for you.

282
00:18:18.534 --> 00:18:19.975
Yeah. I agree with that,

283
00:18:20.774 --> 00:18:25.820
very much so. You know, it's interesting because I do believe our soul chooses our exit point.

284
00:18:26.200 --> 00:18:27.260
Mhmm. And I've

285
00:18:27.880 --> 00:18:33.159
thought about that a lot with respect to why did, you know, why did my husband leave then, and why did my brother leave then?

286
00:18:33.159 --> 00:18:33.659
And,

287
00:18:34.360 --> 00:18:38.985
for me, the harder part wasn't even the age or the exit point. It was the way

288
00:18:39.445 --> 00:18:39.945
because

289
00:18:40.805 --> 00:18:41.545
they all

290
00:18:43.285 --> 00:18:44.825
like, it was such an excruciating

291
00:18:45.845 --> 00:18:47.065
experience watching

292
00:18:48.085 --> 00:18:54.390
my dad, my brother, and my and my, husband die because they chose really difficult, painful

293
00:18:55.090 --> 00:18:59.270
deaths. Like, the what happened to their body and the level of pain they were in, like,

294
00:18:59.890 --> 00:19:00.710
as an empathic

295
00:19:01.250 --> 00:19:03.934
caregiver watching that was just is excruciating.

296
00:19:05.515 --> 00:19:11.515
So the question that I will admit I don't have an answer to yet in my head is the, okay, I get that we all die.

297
00:19:11.515 --> 00:19:14.154
We choose our exit points, but why does it have to be that horrible?

298
00:19:14.154 --> 00:19:17.375
Like, why can't you just why can't you just go to sleep?

299
00:19:17.740 --> 00:19:19.039
And and that's it.

300
00:19:19.340 --> 00:19:20.159
I did it.

301
00:19:20.460 --> 00:19:21.279
Yeah. Yeah.

302
00:19:21.820 --> 00:19:22.320
And

303
00:19:23.340 --> 00:19:24.399
that's your judgment.

304
00:19:24.940 --> 00:19:25.440
Mhmm.

305
00:19:26.059 --> 00:19:26.559
Right.

306
00:19:26.860 --> 00:19:30.240
It's your judgment saying it's horrible. It shouldn't be this way.

307
00:19:31.419 --> 00:19:31.935
What was

308
00:19:32.495 --> 00:19:35.395
it felt horrible as the caregiver watching it. It

309
00:19:35.695 --> 00:19:42.595
it looked like it felt horrible to them too, but, as the person watching, it certainly didn't seem like a good experience.

310
00:19:42.895 --> 00:19:44.275
But A 100%.

311
00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:47.360
Yeah. Yeah. But there's pain and there's suffering. Right? Mhmm.

312
00:19:47.360 --> 00:19:49.940
There's pain is, like, whatever that happens.

313
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.160
The suffering is our story, our resistance to it, saying it shouldn't be this way.

314
00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:58.115
There's a beautiful story Byron Katie tells of of, like, like, she visited a friend in hospital,

315
00:19:58.415 --> 00:20:00.515
and this friend was like, like,

316
00:20:01.055 --> 00:20:05.775
yo, like, she's like, look at my leg, my right leg. It's all swollen up. It's terrible.

317
00:20:05.775 --> 00:20:07.855
And she's like, I I'm sorry. I don't see the problem.

318
00:20:07.855 --> 00:20:11.635
Like, don't you see, like, it's the don't you see how big my leg is? It's terrible.

319
00:20:11.695 --> 00:20:15.120
It's like, and like you say, I'm I'm so sorry. I'm still not seeing the problem.

320
00:20:15.120 --> 00:20:19.360
I was like, but look at my other leg. It's like it's normal size. This is can you see how big it is?

321
00:20:19.360 --> 00:20:21.460
Like, oh, now I see the problem.

322
00:20:21.760 --> 00:20:27.115
You think this leg should be by this, like, this other leg. That's your problem. Right?

323
00:20:27.115 --> 00:20:31.615
The problem is not the leg. It's the problem that you think it should be any other way than it is.

324
00:20:31.674 --> 00:20:37.054
That's the problem. And this is where you gotta own that you took that on. That pain is yours

325
00:20:37.515 --> 00:20:38.635
that you chose to take on.

326
00:20:38.635 --> 00:20:43.539
I'm not saying it's not horrible and, like, I completely get it on a human level.

327
00:20:43.840 --> 00:20:46.980
And yet, like, it's it is a way that you're causing

328
00:20:47.600 --> 00:20:49.220
suffering for yourself by

329
00:20:49.520 --> 00:20:54.795
taking that on. It doesn't your suffering over it doesn't make their pain any easier to bear. Right?

330
00:20:55.195 --> 00:21:00.895
Well, in our and and arguably, they're not in pain now. So Exactly. Right? True. Yeah. Yeah.

331
00:21:01.835 --> 00:21:02.335
Yeah.

332
00:21:03.035 --> 00:21:07.295
It they went in the way that they did for whatever fucking reasons we don't know.

333
00:21:07.835 --> 00:21:08.335
Yeah.

334
00:21:08.970 --> 00:21:14.429
And you are here to receive the gift of that. Mhmm. And that is so

335
00:21:15.610 --> 00:21:19.610
what you have to bring is it's so obvious from just being with you here is

336
00:21:21.315 --> 00:21:25.414
oh my god. Like, so deep, so powerful, so transformational,

337
00:21:25.715 --> 00:21:27.254
so valuable, so needed,

338
00:21:28.754 --> 00:21:30.294
in the world today.

339
00:21:30.754 --> 00:21:33.815
And you are clearly a very special being

340
00:21:34.434 --> 00:21:35.335
that have chosen

341
00:21:35.899 --> 00:21:36.799
or been chosen

342
00:21:37.259 --> 00:21:38.559
for this mission.

343
00:21:38.940 --> 00:21:40.880
Yep. And now it's like, okay.

344
00:21:41.580 --> 00:21:43.200
Let's really claim it.

345
00:21:43.500 --> 00:21:48.320
And I think the pathway is to really, like, go back over everything that happened,

346
00:21:48.905 --> 00:21:49.885
all the circumstances

347
00:21:50.585 --> 00:21:57.544
that happened, quote, unquote, to you, all the decisions, the choices that you made along the way, and go back and choose it again.

348
00:21:57.544 --> 00:21:58.365
Like, really

349
00:21:58.905 --> 00:22:02.525
make peace with every last bit of your of your past, not just

350
00:22:02.905 --> 00:22:06.240
accepting it, but actively, like, choosing it

351
00:22:06.540 --> 00:22:10.000
by seeing, oh, shit. This was actually really good for me.

352
00:22:10.220 --> 00:22:12.460
This is actually really good what that this happened.

353
00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:21.325
Even the dip that you're in now, what a gift that it is that it gets you to revisit some of these things that got you to this conversation with me today to really,

354
00:22:21.705 --> 00:22:25.884
really completely make peace with your past. Because as long as you're dragging your past around

355
00:22:26.664 --> 00:22:30.424
into the present and into the future, it's like you're driving looking into the rear view mirror.

356
00:22:30.424 --> 00:22:31.485
Like, you're not gonna

357
00:22:33.700 --> 00:22:35.400
you're gonna not gonna be very effective.

358
00:22:37.220 --> 00:22:41.240
Yeah. I'd see the biggest bigger piece of my past that's haunted me because

359
00:22:42.179 --> 00:22:43.380
for the most part,

360
00:22:44.245 --> 00:22:48.024
I feel that I've made peace with the people I've lost. The part

361
00:22:48.404 --> 00:22:53.784
that has, I think, been impacting my business more is the fear of visibility piece,

362
00:22:54.645 --> 00:22:55.705
which comes from

363
00:22:56.005 --> 00:22:59.400
a childhood of emotional abuse and bullying and all that.

364
00:23:00.360 --> 00:23:02.120
So I I've analyzed it to death.

365
00:23:02.120 --> 00:23:06.360
I know where it comes from, and I've done a a lot of work around my identity. And,

366
00:23:07.480 --> 00:23:08.920
and I can still feel it in me.

367
00:23:08.920 --> 00:23:14.380
I can still feel it in my body, that fear when I go to turn on a camera or do social media posts or

368
00:23:15.275 --> 00:23:19.434
I've done public speaking. Like, I've done so many things, but I can still feel it there.

369
00:23:19.434 --> 00:23:22.335
I can still feel this fear of attack in particular.

370
00:23:22.955 --> 00:23:23.455
Okay.

371
00:23:23.835 --> 00:23:24.335
And

372
00:23:25.275 --> 00:23:27.455
it's like, how do I get freaking rid of that?

373
00:23:28.315 --> 00:23:35.140
And just own my truth and stop worrying about what the hell everybody else is gonna say because I, you know, I've been viciously attacked

374
00:23:35.600 --> 00:23:36.820
on several occasions,

375
00:23:37.600 --> 00:23:42.615
and then it causes me to pull back, and that's the part I've gotta get past somehow.

376
00:23:43.235 --> 00:23:47.955
Yes. Okay. I definitely wanna go there. I do wanna tie up a couple loose ends here. Yep.

377
00:23:47.955 --> 00:23:49.894
So so the the

378
00:23:51.715 --> 00:23:56.054
I would invite you to change your language around it. So stop talking about loss.

379
00:23:56.600 --> 00:23:58.399
Like, so what you're doing is you're saying,

380
00:23:58.840 --> 00:23:59.580
my loss.

381
00:24:00.200 --> 00:24:04.300
I lost. Right? And, like, once you say my loss, it becomes part of your identity.

382
00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:05.420
Right?

383
00:24:05.880 --> 00:24:08.300
Or I lost, it becomes about you.

384
00:24:09.265 --> 00:24:13.605
Try on a different language that could be they transitioned.

385
00:24:14.945 --> 00:24:16.804
Right? They moved on.

386
00:24:17.265 --> 00:24:20.485
They chose to transition. Like, whenever you tell the story,

387
00:24:20.785 --> 00:24:22.165
use language like that

388
00:24:23.610 --> 00:24:26.110
Because the words that we speak really fucking matter.

389
00:24:26.650 --> 00:24:33.390
And every time you say I lost or my loss, it's holding it's keeping you stuck in a in a past of in a in a story

390
00:24:33.850 --> 00:24:34.590
of loss.

391
00:24:35.290 --> 00:24:35.790
Right.

392
00:24:36.135 --> 00:24:39.355
And there's and this story of gain is just as val as valid

393
00:24:39.735 --> 00:24:40.715
and more valuable.

394
00:24:41.415 --> 00:24:41.915
Yeah.

395
00:24:42.535 --> 00:24:44.555
Yeah? Yeah. That's a good observation.

396
00:24:45.095 --> 00:24:47.435
So just start stop talking about it. Okay.

397
00:24:47.895 --> 00:24:49.570
In that way. Yeah.

398
00:24:50.110 --> 00:24:52.210
And that doesn't I'm not saying

399
00:24:52.750 --> 00:24:55.470
spiritual bypass on the pain and the emotions around it.

400
00:24:55.470 --> 00:24:59.410
All that stuff is welcome to be here, but we don't need to keep reinforcing

401
00:25:00.110 --> 00:25:01.490
the story of

402
00:25:02.030 --> 00:25:02.530
loss.

403
00:25:03.625 --> 00:25:04.125
Yeah.

404
00:25:04.585 --> 00:25:05.085
Yeah.

405
00:25:05.945 --> 00:25:06.445
Cool.

406
00:25:06.985 --> 00:25:07.485
Beautiful.

407
00:25:07.865 --> 00:25:08.605
And then

408
00:25:09.145 --> 00:25:10.285
the the

409
00:25:11.785 --> 00:25:13.485
very common pattern is

410
00:25:14.745 --> 00:25:16.765
is the wounded here healer.

411
00:25:17.179 --> 00:25:19.520
Right? So when you go in and you're, like,

412
00:25:20.299 --> 00:25:28.400
the empath and you're feeling the the pain and the suffering of the people who are dying of cancer around you and all of that stuff, right, that's really

413
00:25:28.940 --> 00:25:32.015
that's in the drama triangle. It's the hero move.

414
00:25:32.015 --> 00:25:35.215
I don't know if you're familiar with the drama triangle. No. I'm not.

415
00:25:35.215 --> 00:25:38.195
Drama triangle is is so critical. It's like

416
00:25:38.575 --> 00:25:40.335
it's 99%

417
00:25:40.335 --> 00:25:42.150
of politics. It's 99%

418
00:25:42.150 --> 00:25:45.330
of of media, of of, like, whether you were talking

419
00:25:45.950 --> 00:25:49.970
newspapers or social media or or, like, movies and shows

420
00:25:50.510 --> 00:25:51.970
of lawsuits of international

421
00:25:52.750 --> 00:25:55.070
relations politics. Like, it's it's fucking drama triangle.

422
00:25:55.070 --> 00:25:58.105
So the drama triangle is that there is a victim.

423
00:25:58.885 --> 00:26:00.505
Right? I'm a victim because

424
00:26:00.965 --> 00:26:01.465
somebody

425
00:26:02.085 --> 00:26:04.345
somebody something. Right? Like, it can be because

426
00:26:05.285 --> 00:26:10.725
of the my my mom, my dad, my spouse, the the my the weather, the this other country, like, whatever.

427
00:26:10.725 --> 00:26:13.020
I'm a victim. There has to be a villain. Right?

428
00:26:13.420 --> 00:26:15.680
Yeah. So there's a victim, and there's a villain.

429
00:26:16.060 --> 00:26:20.000
And then the third piece is the hero. Some people call it the rescuer.

430
00:26:20.540 --> 00:26:25.900
So the hero is the pro this the role that steps in and says to the victim, oh, yeah. Poor you.

431
00:26:25.900 --> 00:26:27.040
You really are a victim.

432
00:26:27.745 --> 00:26:32.645
Bad bad villain. Terrible terrible villain. You are really a victim. Let me help you.

433
00:26:33.745 --> 00:26:34.725
Let me help

434
00:26:35.105 --> 00:26:37.284
you. Which seems like a noble thing to do.

435
00:26:37.585 --> 00:26:42.885
But it keeps the other person in a victim disempowered state. Yeah. Exactly. Indigo. Right?

436
00:26:43.360 --> 00:26:45.299
And this is so much of what happens.

437
00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:54.980
And so the the tendency will be and we all have this, like, tendency that that comes very it's very human to do, but the tendency will be to

438
00:26:55.600 --> 00:26:56.419
come from,

439
00:26:56.955 --> 00:26:57.455
like,

440
00:26:57.835 --> 00:26:58.895
my my wound

441
00:26:59.275 --> 00:27:02.654
and want to help other people with their wound. But

442
00:27:03.115 --> 00:27:05.534
subconsciously, we're keeping them stuck in their wound

443
00:27:05.914 --> 00:27:09.914
by doing that. And there's no judgment on this. There's no shame around it.

444
00:27:09.914 --> 00:27:12.414
It's just it's very human, but it's not serving

445
00:27:12.750 --> 00:27:13.250
anybody.

446
00:27:13.710 --> 00:27:14.210
And

447
00:27:14.750 --> 00:27:19.010
so the the and and usually, there's a an element of

448
00:27:19.950 --> 00:27:23.170
it comes from, like, we don't really wanna feel our pain.

449
00:27:23.230 --> 00:27:27.235
We don't really wanna deal totally with our wounds, so it's easier to focus on someone else.

450
00:27:27.235 --> 00:27:29.335
It's like, oh, yeah. I can fix you. Right?

451
00:27:30.915 --> 00:27:31.815
Again, superhuman.

452
00:27:32.195 --> 00:27:38.160
Superhuman. Very human and and no judgment, but we want to be aware of it and and not do that.

453
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:40.340
So the way out of the drama triangle

454
00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:41.860
is awareness,

455
00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:42.740
presence,

456
00:27:43.040 --> 00:27:46.580
just noticing what's going on. And then each of the three roles

457
00:27:47.120 --> 00:27:48.660
transform to a different level.

458
00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:49.780
So the victim

459
00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:51.940
becomes the creator.

460
00:27:53.665 --> 00:27:59.345
Instead of, like, oh, poor me. I can't because blah blah blah. The creator says, here's what I want.

461
00:27:59.345 --> 00:28:02.005
Here's how I'm gonna go get it. Right? Takes

462
00:28:02.305 --> 00:28:06.600
responsibility for creating the reality that they want. Yeah. That's the victim position.

463
00:28:06.679 --> 00:28:09.580
The villain position can choose to step into the role of the challenger.

464
00:28:10.520 --> 00:28:12.460
Right? Where it's like like,

465
00:28:12.760 --> 00:28:15.880
you can do better. Like, come on. Like, you got more in you.

466
00:28:15.880 --> 00:28:19.260
Might do more like a a paternal kind of kind of approach.

467
00:28:20.039 --> 00:28:20.780
We're challenging

468
00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:22.059
people

469
00:28:22.534 --> 00:28:28.075
to to step up to do better, but we're not, like, making them wrong. Right? We're just challenging.

470
00:28:28.615 --> 00:28:32.235
And the hero position can turn into the coach.

471
00:28:33.255 --> 00:28:41.470
So the coach is the person who sees the victim as the creator that they are and then reminds them of the resources that they already have available to them, right,

472
00:28:42.330 --> 00:28:46.030
without creating the the codependency that the victim

473
00:28:46.330 --> 00:28:48.970
hero will do. I agree. Yeah. Yes.

474
00:28:48.970 --> 00:28:53.745
I see that very much in coaching and therapeutic worlds that a lot of codependency gets created.

475
00:28:53.745 --> 00:28:59.285
Yeah. A 100%. Yeah. And there's also that, like, if I'm your if I'm your, like, therapist,

476
00:28:59.665 --> 00:29:02.305
like, the moment you're, quote, unquote, fixed, you don't need me anymore.

477
00:29:02.305 --> 00:29:07.105
So, like, my incentive is to keep you stuck, so you keep going back. Right? It's funny you say that.

478
00:29:07.105 --> 00:29:10.430
I always say to my clients, my job is to work myself out of a job.

479
00:29:10.430 --> 00:29:15.150
Like, if I'm doing a good job, you don't need me anymore. That's why I should be. Yeah. Yeah.

480
00:29:15.150 --> 00:29:19.950
Or you just wanna go deeper in. That's fine. Well, yeah. Yeah. But you don't need me in that.

481
00:29:19.950 --> 00:29:24.125
You have the tools to be able to do things yourself. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

482
00:29:25.784 --> 00:29:27.625
Cool. So I just wanted to touch on those.

483
00:29:28.985 --> 00:29:30.845
So let's, yeah, let's talk about the visibility.

484
00:29:31.625 --> 00:29:33.085
What is what's the story?

485
00:29:35.865 --> 00:29:36.605
The story,

486
00:29:37.430 --> 00:29:51.350
I try to I try to stay out of the story because I have spent so much time analyzing it that I'm trying to evolve past that to be in my empowered self, which I'm feeling I'm feeling more and more like I'm getting there, but I can still feel snippets of it.

487
00:29:51.350 --> 00:29:51.930
So, anyway,

488
00:29:52.485 --> 00:29:55.865
short version of this Notice here the use of the word trying.

489
00:29:57.285 --> 00:30:00.565
Well, because we're always a work in progress. I don't wanna say, I'm there.

490
00:30:00.565 --> 00:30:04.184
If I was there, I wouldn't be struggling right now. So I get it. I get it. Honesty.

491
00:30:05.365 --> 00:30:09.820
Yeah. I I'm certainly feeling much more empowered now than I was, you know,

492
00:30:10.220 --> 00:30:13.440
I get it. It's just I I listen for these things. I'm a programmer.

493
00:30:13.820 --> 00:30:15.600
I know. I'm in a work in progress.

494
00:30:16.140 --> 00:30:19.680
Yeah. But the trying what the trying says is,

495
00:30:20.300 --> 00:30:21.120
is, like,

496
00:30:21.605 --> 00:30:24.665
there's trying and doing. Right? I can be working on something

497
00:30:25.445 --> 00:30:30.005
and, like, actually doing it, but trying is this, like, is this, like, weird in between?

498
00:30:30.005 --> 00:30:32.905
I'm kinda pretending like I'm doing, but I'm not actually doing.

499
00:30:33.125 --> 00:30:37.225
So I'm not saying you're doing that. I'm just saying that the fact that you use that word

500
00:30:37.710 --> 00:30:39.970
is a flag. It's like, What's

501
00:30:40.270 --> 00:30:42.450
what's behind that? Because I

502
00:30:42.830 --> 00:30:49.470
feel like I mean, I've done thirty years of therapy, coaching, every type of flipping healing modality known to man.

503
00:30:49.470 --> 00:30:49.970
And,

504
00:30:52.145 --> 00:30:56.065
I feel like my family of origin stuff, I've I've made tons of progress.

505
00:30:56.065 --> 00:30:57.845
I can see all the progress I've made.

506
00:30:58.065 --> 00:31:02.465
And it still feels you know, when you step in dog poo and it kinda stays stuck to your shoe and you can still smell it?

507
00:31:02.705 --> 00:31:04.404
It's kinda like that. So,

508
00:31:05.900 --> 00:31:08.700
Yeah. No. Totally. I a 100% get it. I'm just yeah.

509
00:31:08.700 --> 00:31:13.840
So I know there's some remnants there because I can feel it when I so the the story is basically,

510
00:31:17.195 --> 00:31:22.795
I would say my mom wasn't mentally well, but that wasn't diagnosed or understood at that time.

511
00:31:22.795 --> 00:31:27.054
And so, you know, she just she had four kids in five years. She was exhausted.

512
00:31:27.115 --> 00:31:31.695
She was depleted, and she was physically there, but not emotionally there.

513
00:31:31.710 --> 00:31:34.049
She was very unhappy and very critical.

514
00:31:34.750 --> 00:31:41.070
And as a sensitive kid, I kinda took on responsibility for trying to make her happy and but it never worked.

515
00:31:41.070 --> 00:31:41.870
Right? And,

516
00:31:42.669 --> 00:31:44.690
she, for some reason, had a particular

517
00:31:46.155 --> 00:31:47.055
thing with me,

518
00:31:47.675 --> 00:31:50.235
and just didn't seem to like me very much.

519
00:31:50.235 --> 00:31:53.195
So, you know, you grow up thinking your mom doesn't like you.

520
00:31:53.195 --> 00:31:57.035
You think there's something wrong with you. So I spent my life trying to fix myself. Wait. Wait.

521
00:31:57.035 --> 00:31:58.495
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You?

522
00:31:59.000 --> 00:31:59.900
Are you talking about

523
00:32:00.920 --> 00:32:05.260
me? Me. So you you grow up thinking your mom doesn't like you. I don't know.

524
00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:07.180
You're projecting onto me, man.

525
00:32:07.480 --> 00:32:10.620
Not you. I meant messing with you. So good.

526
00:32:11.095 --> 00:32:13.275
I decided to see why.

527
00:32:13.655 --> 00:32:14.155
I

528
00:32:14.535 --> 00:32:18.475
felt like there must be something horribly wrong with me. And so I spent,

529
00:32:19.255 --> 00:32:22.395
which is what kinda pushed me into the perfectionist

530
00:32:23.175 --> 00:32:24.475
over giving, overachieving,

531
00:32:25.549 --> 00:32:27.549
straight a's, all that kind of shit,

532
00:32:27.870 --> 00:32:29.570
overfunctioning in my relationships.

533
00:32:30.350 --> 00:32:33.970
But in addition to my mom, it wasn't just my mom. My my older sister

534
00:32:34.429 --> 00:32:35.890
hated me, and

535
00:32:36.350 --> 00:32:39.169
bullied me and made my life a living hell. So,

536
00:32:39.710 --> 00:32:45.935
you know, it felt like torture going home after school, so I was in every extracurricular I could be in to not go home.

537
00:32:46.475 --> 00:32:49.035
And the second I could get out at 17, I was out now.

538
00:32:49.035 --> 00:32:52.575
I was completely financially independent from 17 on. So,

539
00:32:54.730 --> 00:32:58.590
I just I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel appreciated. I didn't feel valued.

540
00:32:58.890 --> 00:32:59.370
And,

541
00:32:59.929 --> 00:33:01.870
and it was not a good thing

542
00:33:02.409 --> 00:33:03.309
to be visible.

543
00:33:03.850 --> 00:33:09.150
I spent most of my childhood trying to hide. I hid in the closet. I hid in the woods, and I hid

544
00:33:09.475 --> 00:33:10.215
at school.

545
00:33:10.835 --> 00:33:18.294
And I just tried to not be home as much as possible because the more and the more I succeeded or did well, the more my older sister

546
00:33:18.595 --> 00:33:24.375
bullied me because she, I guess, was my best way of understanding it. It was on some level jealous.

547
00:33:24.434 --> 00:33:24.810
But,

548
00:33:26.170 --> 00:33:27.150
yeah. So anyway

549
00:33:28.170 --> 00:33:31.070
Yeah. So I learned that it wasn't a good thing.

550
00:33:31.290 --> 00:33:34.810
Oh, and and every time I tried to talk, my mom slapped me too, which didn't help either.

551
00:33:34.810 --> 00:33:44.434
So so in terms of being connected to my voice and being able to express myself and feeling safe to do that, that wasn't there in the underpinning of my childhood.

552
00:33:46.975 --> 00:33:50.115
Yeah. And so then that repeat experience of being

553
00:33:50.520 --> 00:33:54.520
targeted, attacked, every time I do try to say somebody jumps down my throat or

554
00:33:54.920 --> 00:34:00.920
it became magnified a couple years ago when I had a woman trying to destroy my business on first social media and then national media.

555
00:34:00.920 --> 00:34:02.280
That was fun. Yeah. K.

556
00:34:02.280 --> 00:34:06.775
Can you tell me an example of, like, a star like, they literally jumped down your throat?

557
00:34:06.775 --> 00:34:07.755
Like, what is that?

558
00:34:08.295 --> 00:34:09.594
How does that work? Oh,

559
00:34:09.895 --> 00:34:15.895
I mean, if I I I got criticized for breathing. Like, I mean, every single thing I said was wrong.

560
00:34:15.895 --> 00:34:19.650
Yeah. Wait. But wait. Wait. How did how did who jumped down your throat?

561
00:34:19.710 --> 00:34:23.890
My older sister in particular. My mom just said to me, but there if she's older?

562
00:34:24.910 --> 00:34:26.050
How does she fit?

563
00:34:26.590 --> 00:34:29.010
What do you mean? How does she fit in your throat?

564
00:34:31.565 --> 00:34:33.025
Yeah. It's an expression.

565
00:34:34.204 --> 00:34:34.704
Oh,

566
00:34:35.484 --> 00:34:40.944
got it. Yeah. I see. I don't know. It's a weird expression when you think about it. But yeah.

567
00:34:41.005 --> 00:34:44.145
It is, isn't it? Yeah. It is. So so,

568
00:34:45.410 --> 00:34:47.110
okay, what I'm noticing here

569
00:34:48.130 --> 00:34:48.630
is,

570
00:34:51.010 --> 00:34:53.090
yeah, there's a lot of of, like

571
00:34:54.050 --> 00:34:55.910
let me let me put it this way. So

572
00:34:58.595 --> 00:35:01.335
the way that you relate to your story,

573
00:35:01.795 --> 00:35:04.055
to your history, to your to your past,

574
00:35:04.755 --> 00:35:06.775
right, is always gonna

575
00:35:07.075 --> 00:35:07.575
be

576
00:35:08.115 --> 00:35:08.934
very selective.

577
00:35:11.180 --> 00:35:13.600
The your mind will will will

578
00:35:14.620 --> 00:35:15.120
generalize,

579
00:35:15.740 --> 00:35:16.240
distort,

580
00:35:16.940 --> 00:35:17.440
delete.

581
00:35:18.620 --> 00:35:19.120
Like,

582
00:35:19.420 --> 00:35:20.640
it's very imperfect.

583
00:35:21.180 --> 00:35:23.280
Mhmm. Yeah. And so

584
00:35:24.025 --> 00:35:26.525
what happens is that we look at our history

585
00:35:27.545 --> 00:35:28.925
selectively, not consciously,

586
00:35:29.785 --> 00:35:32.845
but unconsciously, we look at our history very selectively

587
00:35:33.545 --> 00:35:34.285
to reinforce

588
00:35:34.585 --> 00:35:36.285
a belief that we already have.

589
00:35:36.780 --> 00:35:38.960
And so when you're the story that you tell

590
00:35:39.500 --> 00:35:44.700
gets very dramatic. Right? It jumped down my throat. Like, I get criticized every time I breathe.

591
00:35:44.700 --> 00:35:48.555
Like, that's a lot. Like, you breathe it when you sleep. You realize that. Right?

592
00:35:50.155 --> 00:35:53.275
Haven't slept at all as a kid because you got criticized every time.

593
00:35:53.275 --> 00:35:56.395
So I imagine you couldn't sleep if everybody's, like, criticizing twenty four seven.

594
00:35:56.395 --> 00:36:00.734
I mean, no joke. I used to try to sleep with my eyes open because I was afraid.

595
00:36:02.020 --> 00:36:07.640
I'm not joking. No. I get I get it. But it wasn't you weren't being criticized literally every every

596
00:36:08.260 --> 00:36:12.039
hour of every day, every minute. No. But there certainly wasn't

597
00:36:12.740 --> 00:36:15.835
I I don't have I'm not trying to minimize what you went through.

598
00:36:15.835 --> 00:36:19.214
I'm just trying to get you to see how you're using language

599
00:36:19.595 --> 00:36:20.335
to perpetuate

600
00:36:20.635 --> 00:36:21.615
your own suffering.

601
00:36:23.355 --> 00:36:24.974
Alright. Do you get what I'm saying?

602
00:36:27.115 --> 00:36:27.615
Yep.

603
00:36:31.289 --> 00:36:37.069
Well, I don't usually go back into the story for a reason because I'm evolving past it. But,

604
00:36:37.770 --> 00:36:42.185
I get it. And But you asked me to tell you, so I had to like, scone 100.

605
00:36:42.185 --> 00:36:46.845
But there so what where I'm getting at is, like, rather than, like, oh, I don't wanna go there.

606
00:36:47.305 --> 00:36:50.125
Let's go there, but look at it with fresh eyes

607
00:36:50.665 --> 00:36:52.425
Mhmm. To see what actually happened.

608
00:36:52.425 --> 00:36:55.565
Because there's as long as there's still a story there of, like,

609
00:36:55.990 --> 00:36:57.130
this is what happened,

610
00:36:58.070 --> 00:37:00.170
that becomes the evidence that your

611
00:37:00.790 --> 00:37:05.290
mind uses to keep you stuck in the pattern that you're talking about, like fear of visibility.

612
00:37:05.750 --> 00:37:15.345
But we can look at it, like, with a little bit of of detachment, a little bit of space around it, with a little bit of of fresh eyes, with a little bit of of reality and honesty,

613
00:37:16.365 --> 00:37:17.425
then we can actually

614
00:37:18.444 --> 00:37:19.425
see what happened

615
00:37:19.805 --> 00:37:23.665
with fresh eyes, and then it stops having power. That's where I'm going. Does that make sense?

616
00:37:24.650 --> 00:37:25.150
Yes.

617
00:37:25.690 --> 00:37:27.470
So when you so so, like,

618
00:37:27.770 --> 00:37:29.390
the way that you tell it

619
00:37:30.170 --> 00:37:35.310
become and I'm not I'm not judging you for this at all. I'm just pointing out that, like,

620
00:37:35.770 --> 00:37:40.225
when you and you get you get you've clearly like, I told I know this place very well. Right?

621
00:37:40.225 --> 00:37:42.405
I'm like, we've we've told this story many times,

622
00:37:42.865 --> 00:37:44.145
and it becomes the truth.

623
00:37:44.145 --> 00:37:49.365
And and we there's some emotional attachment to it because it serves a need for us.

624
00:37:49.425 --> 00:37:52.565
Again, it's very human. There's no judgment. We all do this.

625
00:37:53.460 --> 00:37:58.359
But that language, that way of looking at it, that lens is is what's keeping you stuck. So

626
00:37:58.900 --> 00:38:03.540
jumping down your throat every time you breathe, you got criticized for for everything.

627
00:38:03.540 --> 00:38:06.600
Every time you talked, you got criticized by your,

628
00:38:07.925 --> 00:38:08.825
by your mom.

629
00:38:12.565 --> 00:38:15.465
The tell me about your older sister hating you.

630
00:38:16.484 --> 00:38:21.065
What what's an example? What's the story? What's what happened that told you she hates you?

631
00:38:23.130 --> 00:38:26.430
I mean, I don't know that I can pull one single story. It's

632
00:38:27.210 --> 00:38:28.349
I I well,

633
00:38:28.890 --> 00:38:31.369
I mean, even as an adult, I I always thought it would change.

634
00:38:31.369 --> 00:38:34.910
Like, I always thought she'll grow out of this. Eventually, it'll be different. And

635
00:38:35.244 --> 00:38:38.785
every time I go home to be with my siblings and family, I think,

636
00:38:39.405 --> 00:38:40.205
you know, the

637
00:38:40.685 --> 00:38:45.105
I mean, even when I was little, she used to play a game called the let's make Karen cry game. So

638
00:38:45.645 --> 00:38:51.540
she'd pick at me or throw throw things at me or insult me and try to get a reaction from me.

639
00:38:51.540 --> 00:38:54.520
So I tried to suppress my emotions and to not react,

640
00:38:55.220 --> 00:38:57.380
and she'd keep at me until I lose my shit.

641
00:38:57.380 --> 00:39:00.099
And then mom would come in, and I'd get in trouble, not her.

642
00:39:00.099 --> 00:39:04.325
And then that would just made the game more entertaining. So that was kind of the cycle in

643
00:39:04.625 --> 00:39:07.825
childhood. But even as adults, it didn't change much. Like,

644
00:39:09.585 --> 00:39:10.085
I'd,

645
00:39:11.265 --> 00:39:15.984
I remember one time going to get a teacup and, you know, having a tea, and we're just sitting there.

646
00:39:15.984 --> 00:39:21.290
And it it it was always out of the blue because it would seem like she's being better, and I dropped my guard thinking,

647
00:39:21.830 --> 00:39:26.710
okay. Maybe she's being nice now. And then the sucker punch would come when I wasn't expecting it.

648
00:39:26.710 --> 00:39:27.609
And so,

649
00:39:28.150 --> 00:39:32.494
like, I'd come in you know, we're all having a conversation, and I'm coming in with my teacup.

650
00:39:32.494 --> 00:39:36.575
And she's like, get your lips off my mug before you contaminate it.

651
00:39:36.575 --> 00:39:39.134
She's saying this as in her twenties.

652
00:39:39.134 --> 00:39:43.474
Like, this is, like, this is something to this day she would still say. Mhmm.

653
00:39:43.855 --> 00:39:44.250
Like,

654
00:39:44.810 --> 00:39:48.590
I'm not allowed to drink from the mug that she perceives as being hers,

655
00:39:49.530 --> 00:39:52.990
because I'm gonna contaminate it. And I'm like, what are you talking about? So

656
00:39:53.290 --> 00:39:54.670
it was just always this,

657
00:39:57.405 --> 00:39:58.285
like, every

658
00:39:58.685 --> 00:40:01.985
like Again I don't know. So I don't know how to explain it.

659
00:40:02.285 --> 00:40:04.785
No. So okay. So let's try this for for,

660
00:40:06.765 --> 00:40:12.065
zoom out for a minute and just look at like, if you're, like, a detached observer,

661
00:40:12.579 --> 00:40:18.440
looking at the dynamic, knowing what you know today about humans and how we work and all that,

662
00:40:19.619 --> 00:40:22.680
what do you think is actually going on inside of her in that moment?

663
00:40:24.515 --> 00:40:26.675
In that moment? God, I don't even know.

664
00:40:26.675 --> 00:40:31.735
I mean, I think I understand globally what her issue was with me, that it was connected to my dad.

665
00:40:33.475 --> 00:40:34.855
She perceives that my

666
00:40:35.475 --> 00:40:39.180
dad favored me. I don't know that that was exactly true, but that was her perception.

667
00:40:40.540 --> 00:40:44.700
And dad was the only healthy one in the family, so everybody wanted his attention.

668
00:40:44.700 --> 00:40:46.559
So it was kinda like a bit of a competition.

669
00:40:48.300 --> 00:40:51.520
The cup, I I don't know. I don't know. I'm not exactly sure.

670
00:40:51.980 --> 00:40:53.099
So do you think the

671
00:40:54.075 --> 00:40:57.375
so your story is that she hated you or and

672
00:40:57.675 --> 00:41:00.734
do you think it's more true that she hates you or that she hates herself?

673
00:41:02.555 --> 00:41:06.315
I I do, from understanding human psychology, know that we project stuff.

674
00:41:06.315 --> 00:41:08.955
So she projected a lot of stuff onto me for sure.

675
00:41:09.570 --> 00:41:10.470
I just unfortunately,

676
00:41:11.890 --> 00:41:13.190
not knowing what I knew

677
00:41:13.570 --> 00:41:18.150
at at then, I took a lot of it on, and I just thought, oh my god. I must be a terrible person.

678
00:41:18.290 --> 00:41:19.410
Like Right.

679
00:41:20.290 --> 00:41:21.270
Yeah. Yeah.

680
00:41:21.730 --> 00:41:22.230
Yeah.

681
00:41:23.035 --> 00:41:24.335
Right? It's like a person

682
00:41:26.635 --> 00:41:28.095
who loves themselves

683
00:41:28.395 --> 00:41:30.175
would obviously not do this.

684
00:41:30.795 --> 00:41:31.775
Yeah. So

685
00:41:32.155 --> 00:41:33.935
it might be more true

686
00:41:34.635 --> 00:41:40.870
as true or more more true to say that she doesn't hate you, she hates herself. Mhmm.

687
00:41:40.870 --> 00:41:42.330
And she actually loves you.

688
00:41:44.070 --> 00:41:46.970
I will admit the behavior doesn't feel like love, but

689
00:41:47.990 --> 00:41:51.610
Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people express love in very weird ways.

690
00:41:51.910 --> 00:41:52.410
Mhmm.

691
00:41:55.484 --> 00:41:59.405
But if there wasn't a connection there, like, she would probably just, like, not give a fuck.

692
00:41:59.405 --> 00:42:00.145
You know what

693
00:42:01.444 --> 00:42:01.944
I'm

694
00:42:03.244 --> 00:42:06.385
saying? And she doesn't know that she loves you. Right?

695
00:42:07.270 --> 00:42:09.210
But, really, she looks up to you.

696
00:42:10.550 --> 00:42:12.410
She wants what you have, which is

697
00:42:13.510 --> 00:42:17.530
the connection with dad and maybe your I don't know what like, today, your spirituality,

698
00:42:17.830 --> 00:42:18.330
your

699
00:42:18.630 --> 00:42:19.370
you know?

700
00:42:19.750 --> 00:42:21.930
I think my smile makes her mad.

701
00:42:22.375 --> 00:42:22.875
Mhmm.

702
00:42:23.655 --> 00:42:28.135
Like, because she she even commented on pictures. She's like, you always look good in your pictures.

703
00:42:28.135 --> 00:42:30.955
I'm like, well, like, I'm smiling. You're not smiling.

704
00:42:31.335 --> 00:42:32.715
So just smile.

705
00:42:34.390 --> 00:42:38.810
I think the fact that I've been knocked down a 100 times, but I keep getting up pisses her off.

706
00:42:39.270 --> 00:42:42.250
Yeah. So yeah. She she admires you.

707
00:42:42.710 --> 00:42:43.850
She envies you.

708
00:42:44.310 --> 00:42:46.810
She love you, and she fucking hates herself.

709
00:42:48.710 --> 00:42:49.210
Yeah.

710
00:42:59.205 --> 00:43:00.345
How does that feel?

711
00:43:05.250 --> 00:43:11.030
It's probably true. It doesn't change the dynamic with my two sisters now. But

712
00:43:13.650 --> 00:43:14.150
Well,

713
00:43:15.650 --> 00:43:16.790
it it actually does.

714
00:43:18.675 --> 00:43:21.175
Every every relationship, like, how

715
00:43:21.715 --> 00:43:23.735
how you see the other person

716
00:43:25.235 --> 00:43:26.855
influences how they show up.

717
00:43:31.280 --> 00:43:35.619
I I do understand that and agree with that. The thing is, like,

718
00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:44.495
I spent so much of my life trying to change the dynamic, trying to be nicer, trying to be kinder, trying to if I do this, if I say that, if I whatever.

719
00:43:44.495 --> 00:43:47.955
And I took on all the responsibility for making the relationship better.

720
00:43:48.575 --> 00:43:51.155
Mhmm. And she would just keep doing the same things. Like,

721
00:43:51.455 --> 00:43:55.410
you know, half our family is gone. My mom, my dad, my brother's gone. I have two sisters left.

722
00:43:55.410 --> 00:44:00.130
I always had a good relationship with my younger sister, but my older sister always inserts herself.

723
00:44:00.130 --> 00:44:00.630
And

724
00:44:01.170 --> 00:44:05.569
so they'll get together, and and I'm never invited. I don't get to come.

725
00:44:05.569 --> 00:44:07.670
And even when I asked to come. So

726
00:44:08.135 --> 00:44:11.994
you can't make somebody wanna have a relationship with you. So

727
00:44:12.935 --> 00:44:19.255
Yeah. I don't know that I can change how she perceives me. She has some kind of a No.

728
00:44:19.335 --> 00:44:21.835
Filter on how she looks at me, and

729
00:44:22.839 --> 00:44:25.420
I don't wanna spend more of my life chasing

730
00:44:25.880 --> 00:44:28.200
somebody. No. No. I I totally get what you're saying. Yes.

731
00:44:28.200 --> 00:44:33.099
And I and and I appreciate you you spelling that out. So what I'm saying is that that

732
00:44:34.455 --> 00:44:39.995
how you perceive other people does change how they show up, and I'm not saying

733
00:44:41.415 --> 00:44:43.115
that it's your responsibility.

734
00:44:43.335 --> 00:44:47.275
I'm also set not saying that there's anything that you need to fix or change.

735
00:44:47.575 --> 00:44:49.355
So I think there's I think

736
00:44:50.310 --> 00:44:53.050
the gift here, the invitation is to realize that

737
00:44:55.430 --> 00:44:56.970
the reason that this stings

738
00:44:58.150 --> 00:45:01.770
is because there's still a part of you that agrees with her.

739
00:45:03.615 --> 00:45:05.795
There's still a part of you that thinks, oh,

740
00:45:06.255 --> 00:45:07.555
maybe I am bad.

741
00:45:07.935 --> 00:45:10.335
Maybe there is something terribly wrong with me. Yeah.

742
00:45:10.335 --> 00:45:14.415
That's the part that's really been shifting this past year, and it's been connected.

743
00:45:14.415 --> 00:45:17.809
I didn't see that it was connected, but it's been connected with my own relationships,

744
00:45:18.109 --> 00:45:21.089
my own experiences with, part with partners,

745
00:45:21.710 --> 00:45:24.130
to a lesser degree friends, but partners in particular.

746
00:45:24.829 --> 00:45:28.190
Because I kept attracting a certain dynamic. I'm like, where is this coming from?

747
00:45:28.190 --> 00:45:29.445
And then I only just

748
00:45:30.005 --> 00:45:34.025
saw in the past year that it's connected to my sister. And

749
00:45:34.965 --> 00:45:39.925
the veil kinda finally came off where I'm like, oh, it was never true that there was something wrong with me.

750
00:45:39.925 --> 00:45:40.425
Like,

751
00:45:40.885 --> 00:45:41.385
it's

752
00:45:41.780 --> 00:45:43.700
it's I that's actually not true.

753
00:45:43.700 --> 00:45:49.400
That's just, you know, an interpretation my younger self had of a situation that I couldn't understand.

754
00:45:49.700 --> 00:45:50.200
So,

755
00:45:52.660 --> 00:45:56.474
yeah, so I I see it with more clarity, and I'm in the process of integrating it.

756
00:45:56.474 --> 00:45:57.675
That's why I said to you, I'm not

757
00:45:58.474 --> 00:45:59.855
I can feel it's changing,

758
00:46:00.315 --> 00:46:06.015
but I know it's not solidified yet. So yeah. Yeah. So so the

759
00:46:06.549 --> 00:46:11.369
the way I look at it is that everything that like, we come in as souls. We come into this world

760
00:46:12.150 --> 00:46:12.650
with

761
00:46:13.190 --> 00:46:14.490
having already decided

762
00:46:15.029 --> 00:46:15.529
that

763
00:46:15.910 --> 00:46:20.010
I wanna have the experience of feeling that there's something terribly wrong with me.

764
00:46:20.415 --> 00:46:22.595
Like, that's that's what I call a mind bug.

765
00:46:22.895 --> 00:46:26.015
There's something terribly wrong with me. Like, I'm not safe.

766
00:46:26.015 --> 00:46:31.695
People could could leave at any moment, and I can't trust I can't rely on relationships. Right?

767
00:46:31.695 --> 00:46:35.830
It's which might give room to which I heard you talking about about your business.

768
00:46:35.830 --> 00:46:38.230
Like, this thing, like, I'm a I need to do something.

769
00:46:38.230 --> 00:46:42.650
It's up to me to do something about it, to fix things, to take care of things, to, like,

770
00:46:43.190 --> 00:46:44.010
stay safe.

771
00:46:44.470 --> 00:46:46.650
Like, whatever those mind bugs are,

772
00:46:46.985 --> 00:46:50.765
your soul decided ahead of time, these are the mind bugs I wanna experience.

773
00:46:51.145 --> 00:46:55.325
Now I'm gonna orchestrate the events so that I get to experience them

774
00:46:56.185 --> 00:46:57.805
so that I can transcend them.

775
00:46:58.105 --> 00:46:59.645
That's the whole game of life.

776
00:47:00.600 --> 00:47:05.800
That's the whole game of life and that's my lens on business too is that we use business as a vehicle to do this work.

777
00:47:05.800 --> 00:47:08.220
So your soul And parenting too.

778
00:47:08.600 --> 00:47:09.500
A 100%.

779
00:47:09.560 --> 00:47:11.260
Exactly. It's all a mirror.

780
00:47:11.800 --> 00:47:16.885
Yeah. So your soul decided I wanna have this this experience that like that I'm a terrible,

781
00:47:17.505 --> 00:47:21.105
terribly there's something terribly wrong with me. And I know I do that in my business.

782
00:47:21.105 --> 00:47:23.925
Like, it definitely shows up in me trying too hard, overcompensating,

783
00:47:24.305 --> 00:47:24.805
overdelivering,

784
00:47:25.665 --> 00:47:28.565
like, just trying to prove that I'm a good coach. Like, in

785
00:47:28.940 --> 00:47:32.880
thirteen years later, I'm still trying to prove myself. Right?

786
00:47:33.500 --> 00:47:34.000
Yeah.

787
00:47:34.140 --> 00:47:39.200
And that's how I keep burning out because I keep doing too much, doing too much, doing too much.

788
00:47:39.420 --> 00:47:42.480
So Exactly. I see the pattern. I just haven't

789
00:47:43.434 --> 00:47:45.775
it's like the dog poo. I feel like there's still something.

790
00:47:46.795 --> 00:47:50.474
I see it, so it just hasn't completely shifted yet. So I get it.

791
00:47:50.474 --> 00:47:57.755
And and what you're what I'm seeing you doing is that you keep using language to reinforce it, to to hold it to hold on to it.

792
00:47:57.755 --> 00:47:58.255
Right?

793
00:47:58.690 --> 00:47:59.670
You know, not unconsciously

794
00:47:59.970 --> 00:48:00.710
or not consciously,

795
00:48:02.050 --> 00:48:09.350
but that's the thing that's one thing to look out for is, like, really be vigilant in your language, in your choice of words

796
00:48:10.130 --> 00:48:11.750
of how you see it.

797
00:48:13.935 --> 00:48:15.875
So, yeah, the lost transition

798
00:48:16.255 --> 00:48:16.755
or,

799
00:48:17.135 --> 00:48:17.795
you know,

800
00:48:18.335 --> 00:48:20.035
it's like you're looking for it.

801
00:48:24.920 --> 00:48:26.540
What are you what are you experiencing?

802
00:48:28.120 --> 00:48:29.980
Well, it's just ironic because

803
00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:32.700
the trigger for me with my family was

804
00:48:33.080 --> 00:48:37.065
them nitpicking at everything I said, so it triggers me There you go. Way.

805
00:48:38.265 --> 00:48:43.244
It's why I went into writing, like but but this is where it doesn't get solved for me because

806
00:48:44.345 --> 00:48:56.220
the reason I struggle on social media or to say what I need to say, like, I feel like I'm pretty fucking intelligent person, and I've got a shit ton of experience and things to share with the world, but I get like, this, I feel like I have to script everything.

807
00:48:56.220 --> 00:48:59.579
I feel like I have to think about it in advance because I have to find the exact right way to say it.

808
00:48:59.579 --> 00:49:02.799
Because if I don't say it the right way, somebody's gonna pick at how I say it.

809
00:49:02.940 --> 00:49:14.268
And so, ironically, what you're doing as you're trying to coach me is hitting that exact same thing that keeps me from wanting to be visible in the first place because no matter how well I say something, somebody's not gonna like how I say it.

810
00:49:14.268 --> 00:49:18.706
I have I love I love that you say that. Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

811
00:49:18.706 --> 00:49:22.020
That's that's beautiful. It's brilliant. And you know what? Like, that

812
00:49:22.400 --> 00:49:24.820
that version of you, fucking powerful.

813
00:49:25.359 --> 00:49:30.480
Like, that's what keeps me from using my voice is this obsession of saying everything fucking perfectly.

814
00:49:30.480 --> 00:49:31.460
And I'm like, you can't say anything perfectly, so you just gotta say something. A 100%.

815
00:49:36.325 --> 00:49:40.244
A 100%. And I'm not that I just want you to understand, like, it's not where I'm coming from at all.

816
00:49:40.244 --> 00:49:41.464
Right? I'm coming from

817
00:49:41.765 --> 00:49:44.565
from noticing these things because they reveal a truth there.

818
00:49:44.565 --> 00:49:49.789
And it that I'm coming from a place of of love and desiring your freedom for you. Right?

819
00:49:49.789 --> 00:49:54.109
And and these are pointers to freedom. So you're not doing anything wrong by using that language.

820
00:49:54.109 --> 00:49:56.849
You're just you're actually doing something very right

821
00:49:57.230 --> 00:49:58.049
by revealing

822
00:49:58.349 --> 00:50:02.755
what some of the underlying patterns are, you know, that are still that are still happening.

823
00:50:03.135 --> 00:50:06.675
So you haven't said a a word that was wrong, and I totally get that place.

824
00:50:06.815 --> 00:50:09.075
And what that tells me is this, like

825
00:50:09.855 --> 00:50:11.615
which is is, like, the

826
00:50:12.255 --> 00:50:14.035
I think the underlying thing

827
00:50:14.495 --> 00:50:15.235
is, like,

828
00:50:16.070 --> 00:50:17.770
you're not you you're not safe.

829
00:50:19.350 --> 00:50:19.850
Right?

830
00:50:22.790 --> 00:50:26.950
Yeah. You're not safe to express yourself? Yeah. Go ahead. How does that land?

831
00:50:26.950 --> 00:50:29.930
Well, I just hit set of motion. I don't think I've ever felt safe.

832
00:50:30.470 --> 00:50:30.970
Yeah.

833
00:50:32.785 --> 00:50:33.285
Yeah.

834
00:50:35.425 --> 00:50:39.765
And I don't know if you believe in past lives, but I think it connect it connects to this life for sure.

835
00:50:39.985 --> 00:50:42.645
But I think it connects the past ones too. I

836
00:50:42.945 --> 00:50:46.085
I've been told, and it feels true in my body, that I've been,

837
00:50:47.400 --> 00:50:50.859
persecuted and killed many times for my gifts.

838
00:50:51.480 --> 00:50:54.859
And I can feel that I'm kind of in hiding in this life and that this

839
00:50:55.559 --> 00:50:58.539
next phase of my life is asking for me to be

840
00:50:58.839 --> 00:51:02.700
more visible, probably even on a scale that I don't even think I'm capable of.

841
00:51:03.625 --> 00:51:05.485
But that feels really fucking scary.

842
00:51:14.745 --> 00:51:18.045
Yeah. And you can see, like, you know, the the

843
00:51:18.700 --> 00:51:19.840
up whole upbringing,

844
00:51:20.220 --> 00:51:21.840
your mom, your sister,

845
00:51:22.700 --> 00:51:26.400
holding on, clinging on, holding on to your dad is, like, this the soul

846
00:51:27.340 --> 00:51:28.240
sense of

847
00:51:28.620 --> 00:51:29.360
of safety.

848
00:51:30.460 --> 00:51:30.960
Yep.

849
00:51:31.605 --> 00:51:33.145
All the all the loss,

850
00:51:34.405 --> 00:51:35.545
all of that. Yeah.

851
00:51:36.245 --> 00:51:38.265
And it's like and now the money situation.

852
00:51:38.645 --> 00:51:39.545
Right? Like,

853
00:51:40.325 --> 00:51:43.625
yeah, just let it Well, and money, I'm sure you know, represents

854
00:51:43.990 --> 00:51:45.450
security and safety. Right?

855
00:51:45.830 --> 00:51:47.030
So it's like

856
00:51:47.350 --> 00:51:48.890
Yeah. The thing that was

857
00:51:49.990 --> 00:51:53.530
keeping me feeling safe and secure, like, my life was under control,

858
00:51:53.830 --> 00:51:55.930
disappeared. So I'm like, oh, shit.

859
00:51:56.630 --> 00:51:57.370
Now what?

860
00:51:58.710 --> 00:51:59.210
Yeah.

861
00:52:00.245 --> 00:52:00.905
And then

862
00:52:01.525 --> 00:52:07.865
and then I'm not safe, and it's it's all up to me to fix it, to do something about it.

863
00:52:08.245 --> 00:52:12.180
And then I exhaust myself and burn out because I'm always trying to fix everything.

864
00:52:12.240 --> 00:52:15.460
And, also, I can't do anything right. Everybody always criticizes me.

865
00:52:17.120 --> 00:52:22.400
Right? It's a bit of a loop, isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Yeah. I'm very familiar with that loop.

866
00:52:22.400 --> 00:52:24.020
I'm very familiar with that loop.

867
00:52:24.555 --> 00:52:25.055
Yeah.

868
00:52:26.315 --> 00:52:27.135
So what's

869
00:52:29.275 --> 00:52:30.494
what's the lie?

870
00:52:33.675 --> 00:52:35.035
It's probably that I'm not

871
00:52:37.130 --> 00:52:39.950
I mean, was you mean out of all those things?

872
00:52:40.250 --> 00:52:43.070
Or, like, all of like, there's multiple levels. I suspect

873
00:52:43.530 --> 00:52:47.790
underneath the the thing that I'm trying to step into and figure out

874
00:52:48.810 --> 00:52:51.870
is the feeling that I'm not powerful, that I can't

875
00:52:52.265 --> 00:52:53.005
overcome things

876
00:52:53.745 --> 00:52:54.245
that

877
00:52:54.985 --> 00:52:58.525
I because if I really believed in my own power, then I would

878
00:52:59.305 --> 00:53:03.405
not need to feel unsafe. Like, I'm saying that the right way or not. But,

879
00:53:04.585 --> 00:53:05.085
Yeah.

880
00:53:06.020 --> 00:53:07.800
Don't worry about saying anything the right

881
00:53:08.260 --> 00:53:09.720
way. I get it.

882
00:53:10.339 --> 00:53:13.240
Yeah. If I believed in my own power, I wouldn't

883
00:53:13.940 --> 00:53:15.480
feel unsafe, I think.

884
00:53:16.099 --> 00:53:16.599
Yeah.

885
00:53:18.165 --> 00:53:18.885
And that's

886
00:53:19.285 --> 00:53:24.105
There's a little bit it sounds a little bit like if I did better, I wouldn't have to feel unsafe.

887
00:53:24.405 --> 00:53:28.425
Right? No. I mean power in a spiritual way, like, in a

888
00:53:28.805 --> 00:53:31.685
that feeling of being alone has been with me my whole life too.

889
00:53:31.685 --> 00:53:35.650
That's, like, I just have to try harder. I have to take responsibility for everything and everybody.

890
00:53:35.710 --> 00:53:41.250
Like, I'm a lone wolf kinda, like, I I don't identify with being I don't wanna be a lone wolf, but I I kinda have been.

891
00:53:43.309 --> 00:53:44.530
The more I connect,

892
00:53:45.805 --> 00:53:50.625
and I find it in nature more than anything, but the more I connect with a feeling of being connected,

893
00:53:51.965 --> 00:53:59.070
that it's not just me, that if I can connect with source energy, my spirits, my guides, whatever, that I'm not alone trying to figure this all out.

894
00:53:59.310 --> 00:54:04.210
That's certainly what brings me the most peace. And when I start feeling better is when I feel like

895
00:54:05.310 --> 00:54:07.490
maybe I'm not all alone. You know? Maybe

896
00:54:12.155 --> 00:54:15.855
when I can tap into my more spiritual side and gifts,

897
00:54:16.555 --> 00:54:18.175
maybe there's an easier way

898
00:54:18.715 --> 00:54:20.255
of having life work.

899
00:54:20.795 --> 00:54:23.055
Yeah. So that's the part I'm growing into.

900
00:54:23.750 --> 00:54:24.250
Mhmm.

901
00:54:24.630 --> 00:54:26.170
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

902
00:54:26.550 --> 00:54:28.170
So if we look at them,

903
00:54:28.550 --> 00:54:30.010
you know, I'm not safe.

904
00:54:31.270 --> 00:54:32.890
Again, there's a human level,

905
00:54:33.270 --> 00:54:34.730
and there's a soul level.

906
00:54:35.475 --> 00:54:35.975
When

907
00:54:38.035 --> 00:54:39.095
on a human level,

908
00:54:39.635 --> 00:54:40.855
we'll never be safe.

909
00:54:41.555 --> 00:54:42.055
Yeah.

910
00:54:42.595 --> 00:54:43.095
Well,

911
00:54:43.955 --> 00:54:45.175
this as a female,

912
00:54:47.395 --> 00:54:48.135
you know, then

913
00:54:48.900 --> 00:54:52.680
I don't usually listen to a lot of media, but it certainly has brought it to the forefront

914
00:54:53.059 --> 00:54:54.520
what many females feel.

915
00:54:56.819 --> 00:55:01.240
You know, like, just an example this week, and I'm not the only woman who feels this way,

916
00:55:01.615 --> 00:55:03.235
And I'm not like a hypervigilant

917
00:55:03.775 --> 00:55:05.155
kind of person, but,

918
00:55:05.775 --> 00:55:09.615
you know, I'm just trying to sell something on marketplace and this guy says, okay. He's coming.

919
00:55:09.615 --> 00:55:13.155
And I'm like and I don't feel safe having this guy come to my house

920
00:55:13.550 --> 00:55:16.770
when I don't know him. So I had I got my son to come with me because

921
00:55:17.150 --> 00:55:20.210
as a woman, you always have to be thinking of that stuff.

922
00:55:20.590 --> 00:55:22.849
You don't know who this person is. You know?

923
00:55:23.150 --> 00:55:23.650
So,

924
00:55:24.270 --> 00:55:25.890
yeah, I think it's magnified

925
00:55:26.315 --> 00:55:28.495
in the gender I chose in this lifetime,

926
00:55:29.355 --> 00:55:33.115
too. Mhmm. And being small, you can't see me, but I'm I'm a small little thing.

927
00:55:33.115 --> 00:55:37.215
I'm five two, five foot fuck all as my dad used to say. So,

928
00:55:39.940 --> 00:55:45.620
yeah, there's a vulnerability there for sure. A 100%. Yeah. Like, it's it's crazy what's happening.

929
00:55:45.620 --> 00:55:46.840
How they're like,

930
00:55:47.620 --> 00:55:50.760
our so called leaders are letting letting, like, letting

931
00:55:51.220 --> 00:55:57.685
all of us down, peep especially especially people like you being totally let down by, you know, just running

932
00:55:58.225 --> 00:55:58.885
our countries

933
00:56:00.225 --> 00:56:01.285
into dysfunction.

934
00:56:02.145 --> 00:56:02.645
It

935
00:56:02.945 --> 00:56:06.885
yes. And the lack of accountability for the people who should be held accountable.

936
00:56:06.945 --> 00:56:11.770
And that's been that's come in my life too. It's the I always end up taking responsibility

937
00:56:12.470 --> 00:56:14.810
Mhmm. For what everybody else is doing.

938
00:56:15.270 --> 00:56:17.370
Yeah. And I'm tired of doing that.

939
00:56:17.750 --> 00:56:20.970
Yeah. And that's the that's the hero move in the drama triangle.

940
00:56:21.270 --> 00:56:22.730
Yeah. It does that. Yeah.

941
00:56:23.110 --> 00:56:25.895
So yes. So on a human level,

942
00:56:27.795 --> 00:56:28.295
like,

943
00:56:29.315 --> 00:56:32.115
we will never be safe. We can have all the money in the world.

944
00:56:32.115 --> 00:56:40.790
We can, like but then health or we can get hit by lightning or we can be, you know one of the things I've seen recently is, like, you get hit by by

945
00:56:41.970 --> 00:56:45.910
some someone, an illegal immigrant driving driving a car and they're uninsured,

946
00:56:46.530 --> 00:56:49.890
like, you're SOL. Like, it's there's nothing. Right?

947
00:56:49.890 --> 00:56:54.835
Like, it's on you and you go bankrupt and you can't work and shit. Like Or natural disasters.

948
00:56:54.975 --> 00:56:58.755
I mean, that can just come in any time. Right? And Yeah. Yeah. We have no control.

949
00:56:58.815 --> 00:57:00.835
So but at a soul level,

950
00:57:02.495 --> 00:57:03.555
at a soul level,

951
00:57:04.960 --> 00:57:06.740
there's we can't be harmed.

952
00:57:07.200 --> 00:57:19.540
And that's where what gives me peace is when I tap into that knowing what I know and I know that you can be killed in physical form but not in spiritual form, and that's when I start feeling more powerful when I tap into that part of myself.

953
00:57:20.175 --> 00:57:20.675
Exactly.

954
00:57:21.775 --> 00:57:23.075
So that's your path.

955
00:57:23.455 --> 00:57:27.955
Mhmm. Yeah. And there's a process for all of us to to practice, to remember.

956
00:57:29.375 --> 00:57:29.875
And

957
00:57:30.415 --> 00:57:33.875
so yeah. Like, the the safety is is in

958
00:57:34.510 --> 00:57:35.650
the realm of soul.

959
00:57:36.270 --> 00:57:42.930
And recognizing that at a human level, you've attracted, you've created a world where you're not safe.

960
00:57:43.310 --> 00:57:47.570
You're not safe physically. You're not safe to express yourself. You're not safe to be who you are.

961
00:57:47.994 --> 00:57:48.734
But that's

962
00:57:49.035 --> 00:57:51.835
that's the lie. That's the lie at the human level.

963
00:57:51.835 --> 00:57:57.615
And we get caught up in the story of it, and then we get, like, go on a detour there and then just waking up remembering, oh,

964
00:57:57.915 --> 00:57:59.375
I got lost in the story.

965
00:57:59.930 --> 00:58:02.270
The truth is who I am can't be harmed.

966
00:58:03.130 --> 00:58:03.630
Mhmm.

967
00:58:04.490 --> 00:58:04.990
Yeah.

968
00:58:06.010 --> 00:58:06.910
And then there's,

969
00:58:09.850 --> 00:58:10.670
like, I

970
00:58:11.610 --> 00:58:12.830
I'm always doing

971
00:58:13.325 --> 00:58:15.405
something wrong. Like, I'm always getting criticized.

972
00:58:15.405 --> 00:58:18.845
It was my fault that, like, it's my responsibility to fix the relationship.

973
00:58:18.845 --> 00:58:22.045
If the relationship isn't right, then it's I'm doing it wrong. Right?

974
00:58:22.045 --> 00:58:26.145
It's up to me or, like like but the the specifically, the the,

975
00:58:26.660 --> 00:58:29.480
like, I'm doing something wrong piece.

976
00:58:29.780 --> 00:58:30.280
Mhmm.

977
00:58:32.340 --> 00:58:33.400
What's the truth?

978
00:58:35.780 --> 00:58:37.000
I'm doing my best.

979
00:58:40.445 --> 00:58:43.585
I I'm not so egotistical to think I do everything

980
00:58:44.445 --> 00:58:45.265
right, but

981
00:58:47.165 --> 00:58:47.825
I know

982
00:58:49.885 --> 00:58:52.305
I know my heart, and I know my intentions.

983
00:58:52.605 --> 00:58:53.425
And I know

984
00:58:58.620 --> 00:59:02.720
that I act with integrity. And my desire is to

985
00:59:05.740 --> 00:59:09.520
So I want you to consider I want you to consider something. I want you to consider

986
00:59:10.415 --> 00:59:11.474
that you've

987
00:59:12.494 --> 00:59:14.435
you've never done anything wrong.

988
00:59:19.855 --> 00:59:20.915
How does that feel?

989
00:59:21.455 --> 00:59:23.155
On a soul level, you mean?

990
00:59:23.455 --> 00:59:24.734
Yeah. No. I just

991
00:59:26.150 --> 00:59:30.250
on a word level Mhmm. On a reality level, you've never done anything wrong.

992
00:59:30.950 --> 00:59:32.090
How does that feel?

993
00:59:34.070 --> 00:59:37.610
I see this is where I I go to other people wouldn't say that. Right?

994
00:59:39.305 --> 00:59:42.825
Yeah. Other people people say all kinds of shit. There's 8,000,000,000 people in the world.

995
00:59:42.825 --> 00:59:46.045
Like, they have all kinds of opinions about all kinds of things.

996
00:59:49.545 --> 00:59:52.285
It feels like relief if I were to believe that.

997
00:59:52.745 --> 00:59:53.245
Mhmm.

998
00:59:53.720 --> 00:59:54.220
Yeah.

999
00:59:54.839 --> 00:59:55.500
Yeah. Yeah.

1000
00:59:57.000 --> 00:59:57.500
So

1001
00:59:59.319 --> 01:00:00.299
in any moment,

1002
01:00:00.920 --> 01:00:02.539
thinking back on any moment,

1003
01:00:03.480 --> 01:00:05.500
could you have done anything different?

1004
01:00:06.395 --> 01:00:09.935
Like, what's a moment where you think, hey. I wish I'd done something else. Like

1005
01:00:11.515 --> 01:00:19.035
Oh, like, I mean, I did eventually correct it, but I like, there were a couple of times when my kids were younger where I yelled at them, and then you see the look in their eyes.

1006
01:00:19.035 --> 01:00:20.575
You know, okay. That wasn't good.

1007
01:00:21.780 --> 01:00:22.440
You know,

1008
01:00:23.460 --> 01:00:25.000
there's So was that wrong?

1009
01:00:27.300 --> 01:00:28.360
It felt wrong

1010
01:00:29.860 --> 01:00:30.920
given their reactions

1011
01:00:31.860 --> 01:00:35.880
and that I knew I had lost control of my emotions. It wasn't really their fault.

1012
01:00:38.605 --> 01:00:41.825
Yeah. But when you look at that woman that you were at that moment

1013
01:00:43.245 --> 01:00:45.825
with loving eyes, with God's eyes

1014
01:00:46.765 --> 01:00:49.265
and see the pain that she was in,

1015
01:00:50.180 --> 01:00:50.680
Right?

1016
01:00:52.020 --> 01:00:53.000
The all her

1017
01:00:54.980 --> 01:00:56.920
her all her beliefs, her stories

1018
01:00:57.540 --> 01:01:04.760
about herself and the situation, and, like, she's just trying I'm guessing in that situation, you're just just trying to be safe,

1019
01:01:05.875 --> 01:01:08.455
and that's where the reaction is coming from.

1020
01:01:09.635 --> 01:01:10.695
So is that wrong?

1021
01:01:14.115 --> 01:01:15.075
Yeah. It's

1022
01:01:15.635 --> 01:01:16.615
no. It's

1023
01:01:17.090 --> 01:01:21.170
we're all doing the best we can with what we know at the time and with our capacity at the time.

1024
01:01:21.170 --> 01:01:21.670
And,

1025
01:01:22.370 --> 01:01:22.870
Yeah.

1026
01:01:23.250 --> 01:01:23.750
Yeah.

1027
01:01:24.130 --> 01:01:31.990
So I want what I want you to wanna invite you to consider is that everything you've ever done is just the best that you knew how to do in the moment.

1028
01:01:32.210 --> 01:01:32.710
Mhmm.

1029
01:01:33.355 --> 01:01:33.855
Right?

1030
01:01:34.235 --> 01:01:40.335
Even if you did something that you kinda knew was shitty in the moment, you still there's still a part of you that believe that that was the best

1031
01:01:40.795 --> 01:01:42.255
thing to do in that moment.

1032
01:01:42.795 --> 01:01:49.890
And so every moment you did your the best that you could, and it's only later that we go back and we judge it as being right or wrong.

1033
01:01:51.470 --> 01:01:55.809
Like, the right or wrong is a judgment that we layer on top of what actually happened,

1034
01:01:56.269 --> 01:01:58.690
and that judgment is what keeps you

1035
01:01:59.230 --> 01:01:59.730
resisting

1036
01:02:00.595 --> 01:02:01.415
the past.

1037
01:02:02.035 --> 01:02:02.535
Mhmm.

1038
01:02:03.395 --> 01:02:04.935
And, like, it's just

1039
01:02:05.235 --> 01:02:09.095
it's saying it should have been different. You didn't you couldn't have done anything different

1040
01:02:09.555 --> 01:02:10.455
because you didn't.

1041
01:02:12.195 --> 01:02:12.695
Yeah.

1042
01:02:16.040 --> 01:02:18.780
Yeah. I think you're right. It it should have been different.

1043
01:02:19.400 --> 01:02:22.460
This is like we're all trying to rewrite our past. Right?

1044
01:02:22.840 --> 01:02:23.340
Yeah.

1045
01:02:25.640 --> 01:02:26.140
Yeah.

1046
01:02:27.924 --> 01:02:31.145
None of what you did none of what you ever did was wrong.

1047
01:02:31.605 --> 01:02:32.665
It had consequences.

1048
01:02:33.444 --> 01:02:37.765
And some of those consequences we like and some of those consequences we don't like, that's fine.

1049
01:02:37.765 --> 01:02:39.224
Then we can deal with that.

1050
01:02:39.765 --> 01:02:40.265
Right?

1051
01:02:40.885 --> 01:02:42.265
I yell at my daughter.

1052
01:02:42.590 --> 01:02:45.570
Like, now she feels she has she has certain feelings.

1053
01:02:46.350 --> 01:02:50.750
I have feelings about her feelings. Like, those are consequences that we can deal with. Hey.

1054
01:02:50.750 --> 01:02:54.750
I'm so sorry. I lost my temper. Like, whatever. Like, you can go back today and be like, hey.

1055
01:02:54.750 --> 01:02:57.810
I realized looking back that sometimes I, you know,

1056
01:02:58.244 --> 01:02:58.404
was

1057
01:02:59.045 --> 01:03:04.644
reacted in the ways that I'm not proud of. Yeah. But I it it wasn't wrong that you did it. Right?

1058
01:03:04.644 --> 01:03:08.244
We can just deal with the consequences. Now it becomes logistics. It becomes physics.

1059
01:03:08.244 --> 01:03:13.305
It becomes but it's not like this moral judgment of, like, oh, shit. I did it wrong.

1060
01:03:14.049 --> 01:03:14.549
Yeah.

1061
01:03:15.890 --> 01:03:18.390
Because the moment that you think that you did something wrong,

1062
01:03:20.049 --> 01:03:23.029
then you're also gonna be scared that you're gonna do something wrong in the future.

1063
01:03:25.010 --> 01:03:28.154
Yep. And so now we live in that prison of, like, I have to do it right.

1064
01:03:28.154 --> 01:03:33.454
I have to use the right words, say it the right way, quit saying trying, and, like, you know,

1065
01:03:34.075 --> 01:03:34.894
which is

1066
01:03:35.434 --> 01:03:36.255
just a present.

1067
01:03:38.234 --> 01:03:38.974
It is.

1068
01:03:39.755 --> 01:03:40.255
Yeah.

1069
01:03:42.100 --> 01:03:44.359
So it becomes this, like, yeah, self awareness,

1070
01:03:44.820 --> 01:03:45.560
self consciousness,

1071
01:03:46.260 --> 01:03:46.760
vigilance.

1072
01:03:48.420 --> 01:03:48.920
Yeah.

1073
01:03:56.325 --> 01:03:58.565
And especially when it's combined with, like, it's all up to me.

1074
01:03:58.565 --> 01:04:00.665
I need to do something, and, also, fuck.

1075
01:04:00.965 --> 01:04:02.985
I'm always doing it wrong. Right?

1076
01:04:04.005 --> 01:04:04.505
Yeah.

1077
01:04:04.965 --> 01:04:08.105
I can see where the burnout cycle comes from. Yeah.

1078
01:04:08.940 --> 01:04:09.440
So

1079
01:04:09.900 --> 01:04:12.220
I want you we gotta you gotta go here in a few minutes.

1080
01:04:13.580 --> 01:04:16.480
But I wanted to and we didn't get to the business part,

1081
01:04:17.339 --> 01:04:20.240
but I think you're gonna find a bunch of unlocks here.

1082
01:04:25.204 --> 01:04:26.664
I wanna do this quick

1083
01:04:27.204 --> 01:04:28.345
exercise with you.

1084
01:04:28.805 --> 01:04:29.305
So,

1085
01:04:31.204 --> 01:04:32.984
if you hold out your left hand

1086
01:04:34.220 --> 01:04:35.920
and let your left hand represent

1087
01:04:38.700 --> 01:04:40.960
where you are and where you've been,

1088
01:04:42.220 --> 01:04:46.539
and just, like, close your eyes for a second. Just feel into, like, just the energy of it.

1089
01:04:46.539 --> 01:04:52.075
You don't have to see pictures, no story, but just kinda what does that energy feels like feel like

1090
01:04:52.454 --> 01:04:55.035
as it it comes emanates from your hand?

1091
01:04:55.335 --> 01:04:57.734
And you don't have to tell me, but just tune into it.

1092
01:04:57.734 --> 01:05:01.835
You're welcome to tell me, but I I just want you to be the the experience of it.

1093
01:05:06.160 --> 01:05:06.660
Feels

1094
01:05:06.960 --> 01:05:08.259
good. Yeah.

1095
01:05:08.559 --> 01:05:09.059
Right.

1096
01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:10.500
Yeah.

1097
01:05:10.960 --> 01:05:15.059
Okay. So let let go of that. Shake up for a sec. And then take your right hand

1098
01:05:16.455 --> 01:05:20.875
and have your right hand represent the energy of who you're called to be,

1099
01:05:22.055 --> 01:05:24.075
what you're called to do in the world,

1100
01:05:26.055 --> 01:05:27.435
and just tune into that.

1101
01:05:35.680 --> 01:05:37.140
It's a lot lighter and brighter.

1102
01:05:37.680 --> 01:05:38.180
Yeah.

1103
01:05:39.040 --> 01:05:40.580
So now take both hands

1104
01:05:41.325 --> 01:05:42.305
and feel them,

1105
01:05:42.845 --> 01:05:43.345
and

1106
01:05:43.645 --> 01:05:45.585
I want you to really feel the gap

1107
01:05:46.365 --> 01:05:48.145
between where you are and where you've been

1108
01:05:48.525 --> 01:05:50.145
and where you must be,

1109
01:05:50.525 --> 01:05:51.905
where you're called to be.

1110
01:05:52.525 --> 01:05:55.185
And then I want you to make that gap bigger.

1111
01:05:57.780 --> 01:06:00.120
The tendency is we wanna make it smaller because it's uncomfortable.

1112
01:06:00.180 --> 01:06:03.960
I want you to make it bigger, like, so fucking big. You're like, holy shit.

1113
01:06:05.300 --> 01:06:09.880
Holy fuck. Like, this is the soul I am. This is my calling. Holy fucking crap.

1114
01:06:10.340 --> 01:06:11.800
What I'm even doing here.

1115
01:06:15.454 --> 01:06:16.994
And then I want you to realize

1116
01:06:17.694 --> 01:06:18.595
that you,

1117
01:06:19.535 --> 01:06:21.474
the human you, the ego you,

1118
01:06:22.414 --> 01:06:24.994
can never fill this gap, can never

1119
01:06:25.610 --> 01:06:26.990
cross this gap.

1120
01:06:28.590 --> 01:06:29.090
It's

1121
01:06:30.690 --> 01:06:31.190
not

1122
01:06:32.790 --> 01:06:33.290
possible.

1123
01:06:34.890 --> 01:06:37.230
The only path is to be humble,

1124
01:06:38.505 --> 01:06:40.125
surrender, and allow the divine

1125
01:06:40.664 --> 01:06:41.724
to do its part.

1126
01:06:43.385 --> 01:06:43.885
Mhmm.

1127
01:06:46.904 --> 01:06:51.885
And whenever you operate, whenever you work on your business, I want you to work on it from or anything

1128
01:06:52.390 --> 01:06:56.490
from this, from your your future, your what you'll be called to energy.

1129
01:06:57.190 --> 01:06:58.490
Work from that energy,

1130
01:06:59.190 --> 01:07:00.490
not from the past

1131
01:07:05.030 --> 01:07:06.250
and allow the divine.

1132
01:07:12.015 --> 01:07:13.715
It feels like a lot less responsibility.

1133
01:07:15.295 --> 01:07:15.795
Right.

1134
01:07:16.335 --> 01:07:16.835
Yeah.

1135
01:07:17.935 --> 01:07:18.435
Yeah.

1136
01:07:19.150 --> 01:07:19.650
Yeah.

1137
01:07:21.630 --> 01:07:22.290
I think

1138
01:07:23.230 --> 01:07:25.570
connected to my relationships, that's why

1139
01:07:26.830 --> 01:07:29.490
the partner part has been delayed for me too.

1140
01:07:29.869 --> 01:07:32.130
It's because if the partner was there, I would

1141
01:07:32.495 --> 01:07:36.355
I I would rely on the partner and not connect to my spiritual

1142
01:07:39.855 --> 01:07:42.095
Mhmm. My spiritual connection, my spiritual source.

1143
01:07:42.095 --> 01:07:45.235
I'd stay more in the three d human side of things.

1144
01:07:45.855 --> 01:07:46.355
Yeah.

1145
01:07:47.820 --> 01:07:48.320
Yeah.

1146
01:07:48.620 --> 01:07:50.160
Karen, you're such a beautiful

1147
01:07:50.460 --> 01:07:54.400
such a beautiful woman, such a beautiful soul. Mhmm. I'm so grateful

1148
01:07:55.980 --> 01:07:57.920
to gotten to spend this time with you.

1149
01:08:00.645 --> 01:08:01.625
Thank you, Calvin.

1150
01:08:02.325 --> 01:08:06.345
I wasn't sure what to expect. This was a little different than what I expected,

1151
01:08:07.205 --> 01:08:11.525
but, hey. I don't I don't know where the conversation goes either. We'll see. We see.

1152
01:08:11.525 --> 01:08:14.700
Sometimes it becomes very tactical. Sometimes it becomes like this.

1153
01:08:15.180 --> 01:08:15.680
Yeah.

1154
01:08:16.380 --> 01:08:20.880
But this seems like what wanted to come up today. I trust it was what was needed.

1155
01:08:21.340 --> 01:08:21.840
Yeah.

1156
01:08:22.620 --> 01:08:25.040
Yeah. So what's what's one thing

1157
01:08:25.420 --> 01:08:27.040
that you know to be true now?

1158
01:08:33.944 --> 01:08:35.564
That I can't do anything wrong

1159
01:08:36.185 --> 01:08:39.245
Mhmm. Which means I don't need to be afraid of trying something.

1160
01:08:39.864 --> 01:08:40.685
Yeah. And

1161
01:08:41.064 --> 01:08:42.524
my soul can't be killed,

1162
01:08:43.770 --> 01:08:44.270
So

1163
01:08:46.250 --> 01:08:48.590
I don't need to be afraid of what other people are gonna do.

1164
01:08:49.130 --> 01:08:49.630
Yeah.

1165
01:08:53.130 --> 01:08:57.710
And that doesn't mean don't bring your son when Well, yeah. In the marketplace.

1166
01:08:58.335 --> 01:09:02.035
Still gonna do that. Do the three d smart things. But Yes.

1167
01:09:02.735 --> 01:09:06.735
Yeah. It does feel good, and it was kind of the direction I was going in.

1168
01:09:06.735 --> 01:09:14.200
But it does feel good to stop relying so much on my human self and energy to move things forward

1169
01:09:14.580 --> 01:09:15.560
and to tap

1170
01:09:16.660 --> 01:09:19.880
into source energy and stop thinking that this human

1171
01:09:20.340 --> 01:09:21.800
body is gonna do it all.

1172
01:09:22.260 --> 01:09:26.020
Because it it was feeling impossible. Like, I have these big dreams and visions.

1173
01:09:26.020 --> 01:09:29.235
Like, I'm I think I'm a lot like you. I think you I heard you describing yourself.

1174
01:09:29.235 --> 01:09:32.035
Like, I'm an ideas person, and I'm like, oh, I had all these ideas.

1175
01:09:32.035 --> 01:09:35.575
And it's like, my human body can't do all that because it keeps saying no.

1176
01:09:35.875 --> 01:09:40.870
And so I gotta try to create from a different place. Right? And,

1177
01:09:41.490 --> 01:09:45.590
and let the universe do more of the work instead of me doing it all.

1178
01:09:45.970 --> 01:09:46.470
Yeah.

1179
01:09:48.770 --> 01:09:49.910
Yeah. Exactly.

1180
01:09:50.609 --> 01:09:51.990
Mhmm. Well, thank you again.

1181
01:09:52.770 --> 01:09:53.670
Thank you, Calvin.

1182
01:09:54.290 --> 01:09:54.790
Yeah.

1183
01:09:55.395 --> 01:09:57.494
Sweet. Keep me posted. I wanna hear

1184
01:09:57.795 --> 01:10:01.494
how this how this lands, how this integrates over the next couple of days and weeks.