WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.199 - When did you learn that you didn't belong? - Very young. 2 00:00:03.199 --> 00:00:09.599 I was playing a game of soccer and I got confused about which way the goal was. 3 00:00:09.920 --> 00:00:12.794 And I made the goal, but in the wrong direction. 4 00:00:13.275 --> 00:00:16.954 - When did Sarah six years old? What did she make that mean about her? 5 00:00:17.515 --> 00:00:22.555 - Not I did something wrong. I am wrong. - Could she have done anything different? 6 00:00:23.914 --> 00:00:31.329 In that moment, she thinks that scoring a goal is what it's about and she thinks that this goal counts, that this is the one. 7 00:00:31.329 --> 00:00:35.010 And so she goes for it. Right? That's who she is in the moment. 8 00:00:35.010 --> 00:00:39.730 - And so, like, why would she do anything different? - I like that. - Hello, everybody. 9 00:00:39.905 --> 00:00:43.585 Welcome to Recode Your Mind with Calvin Corelli. I'm here today 10 00:00:43.825 --> 00:00:47.345 with Sarah Gilliam, and I'm super excited to be with you. Sarah, 11 00:00:47.905 --> 00:00:49.825 we've we've known each other for 12 00:00:50.705 --> 00:00:51.345 what is it now? 13 00:00:52.300 --> 00:00:53.020 Like 14 00:00:53.340 --> 00:00:54.220 nine Yeah, months or 15 00:00:55.340 --> 00:00:56.379 coming up on. 16 00:00:56.940 --> 00:01:01.820 And I'm delighted to know you and I'm delighted to speak with you here today. So 17 00:01:02.379 --> 00:01:03.260 please 18 00:01:03.420 --> 00:01:04.459 introduce yourself 19 00:01:05.125 --> 00:01:07.204 to our listeners, viewers, 20 00:01:07.365 --> 00:01:10.884 and share what's what's the challenge that brings you here today. 21 00:01:11.765 --> 00:01:14.085 - Hey, everybody. I'm Sarah. 22 00:01:14.405 --> 00:01:15.045 I belong. 23 00:01:18.960 --> 00:01:20.480 I like to 24 00:01:21.520 --> 00:01:24.400 play with the idea of starting businesses. 25 00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:26.160 I like to start things, 26 00:01:26.720 --> 00:01:27.280 and 27 00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:31.760 we're learning some follow through right now, some focus. 28 00:01:31.840 --> 00:01:33.360 I've got a few different 29 00:01:33.435 --> 00:01:34.954 irons in the fire. 30 00:01:37.595 --> 00:01:40.155 I think it would be good to 31 00:01:40.235 --> 00:01:42.555 let one thing mature before 32 00:01:43.674 --> 00:01:44.634 starting with another. 33 00:01:48.800 --> 00:01:50.160 What is my challenge? 34 00:01:52.160 --> 00:01:54.960 I can say a lot of things, but really, 35 00:01:55.600 --> 00:01:58.560 there is an underlying 36 00:02:01.055 --> 00:02:02.175 lack of worth, 37 00:02:02.735 --> 00:02:03.935 sense of worth. 38 00:02:04.255 --> 00:02:04.815 Mhmm. 39 00:02:05.535 --> 00:02:08.655 I know, Calvin, that you work with mind bugs. 40 00:02:09.055 --> 00:02:12.815 I could use a little bit more of a definition for what those are. 41 00:02:13.360 --> 00:02:14.000 Mhmm. 42 00:02:14.160 --> 00:02:15.600 I feel like this 43 00:02:17.519 --> 00:02:20.240 lack of worth may be one of them 44 00:02:20.480 --> 00:02:22.960 Mhmm. That we universally 45 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:25.280 folks tend to share. 46 00:02:26.160 --> 00:02:27.120 Mhmm. Say more. 47 00:02:28.375 --> 00:02:33.575 - Yeah. Alright. I think it'll become clear as we as we get into the conversation here. So 48 00:02:34.215 --> 00:02:39.495 the the challenging part of explaining what mind bugs are is that 49 00:02:39.815 --> 00:02:45.110 the part of you that is under the spell of the mind bug is gonna be like, oh, yeah. I know that. 50 00:02:47.750 --> 00:02:52.710 And what I'm trying to do is to to introduce you to a version of you that you don't 51 00:02:52.950 --> 00:02:55.110 even didn't even realize was there, 52 00:02:56.629 --> 00:03:01.535 which is the you that's on the other side of whatever mind bug is in the way. So 53 00:03:02.495 --> 00:03:05.855 we will we will get there. I'm curious. You started by saying, 54 00:03:06.175 --> 00:03:10.495 - I'm Sarah and I belong. Is that right? Did I hear - you right? - That's right. 55 00:03:11.375 --> 00:03:11.775 I 56 00:03:12.540 --> 00:03:13.660 - Tell me about that. 57 00:03:14.140 --> 00:03:16.460 - I have been blessed 58 00:03:16.460 --> 00:03:17.180 to 59 00:03:17.500 --> 00:03:19.180 sit with others 60 00:03:19.420 --> 00:03:21.420 in communal spaces, 61 00:03:21.980 --> 00:03:23.100 and we 62 00:03:23.500 --> 00:03:24.220 say our name, 63 00:03:24.905 --> 00:03:26.185 say it back to you. 64 00:03:27.145 --> 00:03:30.105 And some people choose to identify 65 00:03:30.505 --> 00:03:32.265 in one way or another. 66 00:03:34.825 --> 00:03:36.905 I'm an addict, I'm an alcoholic, 67 00:03:37.550 --> 00:03:40.990 I am the person who experiences codependency. 68 00:03:42.190 --> 00:03:44.990 I'm an adult child of alcoholics. 69 00:03:45.150 --> 00:03:46.110 There are 70 00:03:46.430 --> 00:03:48.270 so many different fellowships. 71 00:03:50.295 --> 00:03:52.615 Recovery has been part of my journey, 72 00:03:53.254 --> 00:03:54.455 and I 73 00:03:55.015 --> 00:03:57.575 am aware that words are spells. 74 00:03:57.734 --> 00:03:58.375 You 75 00:03:58.534 --> 00:03:59.254 said that. 76 00:04:02.829 --> 00:04:05.310 And so I've chosen to take the labels 77 00:04:05.549 --> 00:04:07.310 off and just 78 00:04:07.310 --> 00:04:09.070 claim I belong 79 00:04:09.310 --> 00:04:11.630 in whatever space I find myself. 80 00:04:12.430 --> 00:04:13.070 - Cool. 81 00:04:13.310 --> 00:04:14.670 I love that. I think that's beautiful. 82 00:04:15.285 --> 00:04:20.005 It it begs the question, though, what part of you feels like you don't belong? 83 00:04:30.550 --> 00:04:33.670 - It's a pretty intrinsic belief 84 00:04:34.230 --> 00:04:34.870 in, 85 00:04:36.230 --> 00:04:38.550 yeah, how I experience things. 86 00:04:38.950 --> 00:04:39.670 - Yeah. 87 00:04:40.470 --> 00:04:43.430 - When did you learn that you didn't belong? - Very young. 88 00:04:44.384 --> 00:04:45.985 - Yeah. So what happened? 89 00:04:51.025 --> 00:04:52.785 - The first thing that popped in, 90 00:04:53.025 --> 00:04:55.185 I was playing a game of soccer 91 00:04:55.425 --> 00:04:57.264 in an elementary school gym, 92 00:04:57.910 --> 00:05:01.990 and I got confused about which way the goal was. 93 00:05:02.630 --> 00:05:05.190 And I made the goal, but in the wrong direction. 94 00:05:06.470 --> 00:05:07.750 - I've been there. 95 00:05:10.630 --> 00:05:11.430 Oh, 96 00:05:11.430 --> 00:05:11.830 yeah. 97 00:05:13.155 --> 00:05:14.675 And so how old were you? 98 00:05:17.794 --> 00:05:21.395 - Six, seven. Six. Yeah. I can also 99 00:05:22.115 --> 00:05:23.235 tap into 100 00:05:25.010 --> 00:05:26.210 eighth chakra 101 00:05:26.210 --> 00:05:27.090 karmic. 102 00:05:27.090 --> 00:05:28.690 This is not just mine. 103 00:05:28.850 --> 00:05:30.050 It has come through. 104 00:05:30.850 --> 00:05:32.050 Yeah. Natural, 105 00:05:32.530 --> 00:05:33.490 patriarchal. 106 00:05:34.210 --> 00:05:37.010 That word didn't come out right. No problem. 107 00:05:37.810 --> 00:05:38.450 Yeah. 108 00:05:38.610 --> 00:05:40.815 Both sides down the ancestry. 109 00:05:40.815 --> 00:05:41.375 So 110 00:05:41.775 --> 00:05:42.415 - Okay. 111 00:05:42.655 --> 00:05:43.295 - Yeah. 112 00:05:43.535 --> 00:05:49.295 - So six year old Sarah scores a goal. Did you mean and you're like, yay. I scored. 113 00:05:49.295 --> 00:05:50.415 Like, you're excited. 114 00:05:51.055 --> 00:05:51.695 Yeah. 115 00:05:51.855 --> 00:05:53.135 And then what happened? 116 00:05:59.730 --> 00:06:02.930 - There's so much emotional charge in that space. 117 00:06:03.410 --> 00:06:04.450 I suppose 118 00:06:05.090 --> 00:06:06.130 there were 119 00:06:07.010 --> 00:06:07.970 folks in the gym, 120 00:06:09.465 --> 00:06:10.665 spectators, 121 00:06:11.225 --> 00:06:11.945 and 122 00:06:12.425 --> 00:06:13.305 a strong 123 00:06:13.785 --> 00:06:15.145 - Did you say I suppose? 124 00:06:15.625 --> 00:06:19.385 - I suppose. There were - Can you re do you remember? 125 00:06:20.425 --> 00:06:26.190 Like, what do you mean there's there's a lot of emotional charge that you've, like, so much emotional charge you can't really remember or see? 126 00:06:32.270 --> 00:06:34.430 - I think I lead with perception, 127 00:06:35.469 --> 00:06:39.435 which means that things are more feeling than they are movies 128 00:06:39.755 --> 00:06:43.515 for me. I have a sense that there were 129 00:06:47.515 --> 00:06:52.315 people on the bleachers in the gym, but the sense comes more from 130 00:06:53.490 --> 00:06:54.290 the 131 00:06:55.410 --> 00:06:56.610 level of 132 00:06:56.770 --> 00:07:00.290 feedback, emotional feedback that I received. 133 00:07:01.810 --> 00:07:04.530 Have you done something wrong, 134 00:07:04.690 --> 00:07:07.730 I guess, is the feeling message there? 135 00:07:08.284 --> 00:07:09.005 - Mhmm. 136 00:07:10.925 --> 00:07:11.645 Yeah. 137 00:07:12.925 --> 00:07:13.565 - So 138 00:07:14.205 --> 00:07:17.724 so you score a goal. You scored a goal, and you're like 139 00:07:17.805 --> 00:07:21.724 Sarah's like, yay. Excited. And then, like, people are 140 00:07:22.440 --> 00:07:24.280 yelling at you, booing. 141 00:07:24.760 --> 00:07:27.880 There of a people there? Is it just a few people around? 142 00:07:28.360 --> 00:07:34.280 - It seems like a lot of people, and I can't imagine adults booing at a child. But 143 00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:37.160 - Maybe - the other kids did. 144 00:07:37.640 --> 00:07:38.040 - That 145 00:07:38.465 --> 00:07:40.225 is what it feels like. 146 00:07:40.465 --> 00:07:41.025 Yeah. 147 00:07:46.225 --> 00:07:47.025 Maybe 148 00:07:47.025 --> 00:07:48.865 some from my teammates. 149 00:07:49.505 --> 00:07:50.225 So 150 00:07:50.945 --> 00:07:52.385 - what did Sarah, 151 00:07:54.490 --> 00:07:56.490 what was it, six years old, right? 152 00:07:56.970 --> 00:08:00.410 What did Sarah, six years old, what did she make that mean about her? 153 00:08:06.395 --> 00:08:09.275 - Not I did something wrong. I am wrong. 154 00:08:09.435 --> 00:08:10.155 - Mhmm. 155 00:08:10.795 --> 00:08:11.435 Yeah. 156 00:08:12.395 --> 00:08:14.315 - Yeah. And I don't belong. 157 00:08:22.900 --> 00:08:23.620 Yeah. 158 00:08:25.620 --> 00:08:28.500 I mean, there's also you did something wrong, I'm assuming. 159 00:08:28.740 --> 00:08:33.460 Like but it but the meaning of you doing something wrong is now so it's like you did something wrong. 160 00:08:33.460 --> 00:08:37.825 Oh, shit. That was wrong. I thought it was right, but it was clearly, like, wrong according to them 161 00:08:38.385 --> 00:08:43.184 and their rules, whatever. You know? This goal, that goal, they're all goals. Alright? 162 00:08:44.625 --> 00:08:49.905 And then you made it mean that you were I'm wrong, and then you made it mean also I don't belong. 163 00:08:50.340 --> 00:08:51.300 Is that what I'm 164 00:08:54.820 --> 00:08:57.060 - Yeah, it feels right. - Yeah. 165 00:08:58.580 --> 00:08:59.380 Yeah. 166 00:09:00.340 --> 00:09:01.780 So let's just 167 00:09:02.420 --> 00:09:04.500 be with her for a minute, just be with that. 168 00:09:05.865 --> 00:09:07.465 Like, that's rough. 169 00:09:07.945 --> 00:09:11.065 Especially because the contrast. Right? Yeah. I scored 170 00:09:11.225 --> 00:09:12.185 excited. 171 00:09:12.345 --> 00:09:13.785 And then like, fuck. 172 00:09:14.185 --> 00:09:18.665 But you're you she thought she was doing great. She thought she was doing awesome. 173 00:09:18.665 --> 00:09:20.345 And then, like, all of a sudden, it's just like, 174 00:09:21.410 --> 00:09:24.290 holy shit. Like, what a fall from grace. 175 00:09:30.050 --> 00:09:30.450 - Yeah. 176 00:09:35.525 --> 00:09:37.365 - What a precious little girl. 177 00:09:40.165 --> 00:09:41.845 Did she like playing soccer? 178 00:09:44.165 --> 00:09:44.885 - More. 179 00:09:45.125 --> 00:09:46.245 But, yes, 180 00:09:46.485 --> 00:09:47.205 all sports. 181 00:09:47.730 --> 00:09:49.649 - That's fine. - Anything with the ball. 182 00:09:50.050 --> 00:09:52.529 - Yeah. Did that change after this experience? 183 00:09:57.010 --> 00:10:00.290 - I don't know that I ever played soccer again. 184 00:10:00.690 --> 00:10:01.730 - Yeah. Wow. 185 00:10:05.115 --> 00:10:06.235 Oh my god. 186 00:10:07.274 --> 00:10:08.075 Yeah. 187 00:10:10.315 --> 00:10:11.675 - Such an innocent, 188 00:10:12.475 --> 00:10:13.195 sweet, 189 00:10:13.995 --> 00:10:14.875 beautiful, 190 00:10:16.394 --> 00:10:17.435 playful 191 00:10:18.075 --> 00:10:18.955 little girl. 192 00:10:24.290 --> 00:10:30.770 Just having a good time, having a blast, getting caught up in the in the jubilation and the joy and of the moment. 193 00:10:30.770 --> 00:10:32.050 And then, like, fuck. 194 00:10:35.625 --> 00:10:38.024 What I'm what I'm sensing too is, 195 00:10:38.904 --> 00:10:40.265 like, that girl 196 00:10:42.345 --> 00:10:44.265 also feels not safe. 197 00:10:46.665 --> 00:10:47.144 - Right? 198 00:10:51.720 --> 00:10:54.520 - There's a lot of that threat and trip means. 199 00:10:55.160 --> 00:10:58.360 - Yeah. Right? - And, of course, like, if she's like, 200 00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:01.960 I fucked up. I'm wrong. I don't belong. 201 00:11:02.360 --> 00:11:03.960 Right? Like, that's 202 00:11:04.775 --> 00:11:07.575 and again, this came as a complete shock, 203 00:11:07.655 --> 00:11:10.455 complete surprise to her in the moment. 204 00:11:14.215 --> 00:11:14.855 Wow. 205 00:11:19.570 --> 00:11:20.450 Yeah. 206 00:11:22.290 --> 00:11:23.570 What does she need 207 00:11:24.770 --> 00:11:26.130 - from - you right now? 208 00:11:27.490 --> 00:11:28.610 I'm sick. 209 00:11:29.170 --> 00:11:29.890 Yeah. 210 00:11:31.250 --> 00:11:31.730 Yeah. 211 00:11:33.805 --> 00:11:34.605 - And 212 00:11:35.885 --> 00:11:37.645 for my adult self 213 00:11:38.365 --> 00:11:39.165 to 214 00:11:41.725 --> 00:11:43.005 let it be okay 215 00:11:43.885 --> 00:11:44.925 to make a mistake, 216 00:11:46.230 --> 00:11:46.950 to 217 00:11:48.230 --> 00:11:50.550 allow to be okay in this moment 218 00:11:51.350 --> 00:11:54.790 to make a mistake and to transmit that back. 219 00:11:56.709 --> 00:11:59.750 And it was always okay to there are no mistakes. 220 00:12:00.775 --> 00:12:01.575 Yeah. 221 00:12:03.255 --> 00:12:05.015 To explore different avenues. 222 00:12:06.215 --> 00:12:07.815 Wow. That one's big. 223 00:12:08.375 --> 00:12:09.095 - Mhmm. 224 00:12:10.695 --> 00:12:12.695 - To explore different avenues. 225 00:12:13.960 --> 00:12:14.600 Mhmm. 226 00:12:17.640 --> 00:12:19.240 You and I sat together, 227 00:12:20.120 --> 00:12:20.680 and 228 00:12:25.240 --> 00:12:26.680 you suggested 229 00:12:27.515 --> 00:12:29.515 how empowering it could be 230 00:12:30.075 --> 00:12:30.955 to 231 00:12:31.675 --> 00:12:32.955 really choose 232 00:12:33.035 --> 00:12:34.235 every choice 233 00:12:34.635 --> 00:12:36.075 that had been made. 234 00:12:36.555 --> 00:12:36.795 - Mhmm. 235 00:12:40.420 --> 00:12:41.220 - Yeah. 236 00:12:41.700 --> 00:12:42.820 No mistakes. 237 00:12:42.900 --> 00:12:45.140 Just exploring different avenues. 238 00:12:45.700 --> 00:12:46.420 - Yeah. 239 00:12:47.540 --> 00:12:48.980 - Shake off the shame. 240 00:12:49.780 --> 00:12:50.500 Yeah. 241 00:12:52.020 --> 00:12:52.820 - Yeah. Right? 242 00:12:54.675 --> 00:12:56.595 - Yeah. And so you're you're 243 00:12:57.154 --> 00:12:59.875 you're hitting on it. Right? Like, that girl, 244 00:13:01.235 --> 00:13:04.514 that six year old Sarah scoring that goal, 245 00:13:04.915 --> 00:13:06.915 could she have done anything different? 246 00:13:13.940 --> 00:13:17.140 - There's that free will conversation again. I 247 00:13:22.340 --> 00:13:23.140 don't know yet. 248 00:13:24.165 --> 00:13:26.565 Yeah. My inclination 249 00:13:26.565 --> 00:13:27.605 is no. 250 00:13:28.485 --> 00:13:29.445 That was 251 00:13:33.685 --> 00:13:35.605 well, infinite paths. 252 00:13:35.685 --> 00:13:37.700 So I don't know yet. 253 00:13:37.940 --> 00:13:38.820 - Right. 254 00:13:39.220 --> 00:13:48.420 But if you think about it just in that moment, right, she thinks that scoring a goal is what it's about, and she thinks that this goal this particular goal counts, 255 00:13:49.805 --> 00:13:54.845 that this is the one. And so she goes for it. Right? That's who she is in the moment. 256 00:13:56.925 --> 00:14:00.045 And so, like, why would she do anything different? 257 00:14:01.404 --> 00:14:02.285 - I 258 00:14:02.285 --> 00:14:04.365 like that Right. Very much. 259 00:14:05.160 --> 00:14:05.959 - Yeah. 260 00:14:06.360 --> 00:14:08.920 And then a moment later, she learned, oh, that's the wrong goal. 261 00:14:08.920 --> 00:14:13.880 There's like you should you should score on this goal, not that goal. Oh, I didn't know. Okay. 262 00:14:13.959 --> 00:14:14.600 Great. 263 00:14:15.079 --> 00:14:15.800 That's helpful. 264 00:14:17.865 --> 00:14:22.345 I mean, not that it matters, but since we're playing a game and there are rules and games, and that's how that works. 265 00:14:22.345 --> 00:14:26.345 It's cool. It's good to know the rules. She didn't know the rules. Fine. 266 00:14:27.625 --> 00:14:31.530 - We'll bring back that story. Grab the ball and kick it to the other side. 267 00:14:33.290 --> 00:14:34.090 - Yeah. 268 00:14:35.290 --> 00:14:36.810 It doesn't make her wrong. 269 00:14:37.770 --> 00:14:41.450 Right? It doesn't mean that she did anything wrong. It doesn't mean that she's wrong. 270 00:14:41.930 --> 00:14:43.450 It doesn't mean that she doesn't belong. 271 00:14:46.495 --> 00:14:48.654 It's just people had a reaction 272 00:14:49.214 --> 00:14:51.455 based on their rules and their beliefs, 273 00:14:53.055 --> 00:14:54.975 but none of it had anything to do with her. 274 00:15:05.870 --> 00:15:06.269 Yeah. 275 00:15:21.815 --> 00:15:22.855 How is this landing? 276 00:15:26.190 --> 00:15:27.550 - Nice to be seen. 277 00:15:27.870 --> 00:15:28.510 Yeah. 278 00:15:29.230 --> 00:15:29.950 Like, 279 00:15:30.510 --> 00:15:32.110 compassion and love. 280 00:15:32.590 --> 00:15:33.710 Yeah. Thank you. 281 00:15:34.190 --> 00:15:36.510 Yeah. You can turn that 282 00:15:36.990 --> 00:15:38.670 in the direction of the little one. 283 00:15:39.384 --> 00:15:40.105 Yeah. 284 00:15:40.264 --> 00:15:40.985 Yeah. 285 00:15:41.545 --> 00:15:42.904 - She's so sweet. 286 00:15:44.185 --> 00:15:48.264 She's so precious. I mean, I've seen her many times when we've been together. 287 00:15:48.904 --> 00:15:53.065 She's so playful. She's just a bundle of love, a bundle of joy. 288 00:15:55.710 --> 00:15:57.070 She's adorable. 289 00:15:59.310 --> 00:16:00.110 Yeah. 290 00:16:03.950 --> 00:16:05.950 What's the resistance that comes up? 291 00:16:07.905 --> 00:16:08.945 - Not bad. 292 00:16:10.785 --> 00:16:11.425 - Yeah. 293 00:16:15.425 --> 00:16:16.305 - Tracking. 294 00:16:17.745 --> 00:16:18.465 All 295 00:16:22.625 --> 00:16:23.505 of that 296 00:16:24.230 --> 00:16:24.950 mood, 297 00:16:25.430 --> 00:16:27.269 that, like, miasmic 298 00:16:27.269 --> 00:16:28.149 grayness 299 00:16:28.310 --> 00:16:29.350 that has 300 00:16:29.829 --> 00:16:30.630 covered 301 00:16:30.790 --> 00:16:31.750 her, 302 00:16:31.990 --> 00:16:32.790 us, 303 00:16:33.190 --> 00:16:33.589 and 304 00:16:40.075 --> 00:16:42.955 new in every moment how to let 305 00:16:43.595 --> 00:16:49.915 her just move into now. Oh, there it is. Let her just move into now 306 00:16:50.715 --> 00:16:52.155 without needing to 307 00:16:52.475 --> 00:16:56.130 figure out anything that's been from there to here. 308 00:16:56.450 --> 00:16:57.010 Mhmm. 309 00:16:58.050 --> 00:16:59.010 Past, 310 00:16:59.089 --> 00:16:59.650 nature. 311 00:17:01.170 --> 00:17:01.810 - Mhmm. 312 00:17:04.050 --> 00:17:05.890 - And really just a decision 313 00:17:10.915 --> 00:17:13.234 to it feels like be brave 314 00:17:13.795 --> 00:17:14.435 - Mhmm. 315 00:17:14.595 --> 00:17:15.235 - To 316 00:17:20.210 --> 00:17:23.409 Return to the state of innocence and playfulness and joy, 317 00:17:23.650 --> 00:17:24.690 creativity, 318 00:17:25.010 --> 00:17:25.890 magic 319 00:17:26.130 --> 00:17:26.849 that 320 00:17:28.369 --> 00:17:30.450 we know is there and possible 321 00:17:31.170 --> 00:17:32.450 and 322 00:17:34.884 --> 00:17:36.325 be the adult 323 00:17:36.325 --> 00:17:37.044 who 324 00:17:38.245 --> 00:17:39.764 protects and nurtures 325 00:17:40.965 --> 00:17:41.684 this 326 00:17:42.164 --> 00:17:44.085 so that this can be 327 00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:46.040 how we experience 328 00:17:46.760 --> 00:17:51.640 - I got I got lost a little bit. What was the resistance again? - Oh, thank you. 329 00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:58.920 The resistance is not having certainty 330 00:17:59.554 --> 00:18:00.355 around 331 00:18:00.355 --> 00:18:01.955 the adult piece 332 00:18:02.275 --> 00:18:04.355 being able to 333 00:18:05.235 --> 00:18:06.115 navigate 334 00:18:06.115 --> 00:18:07.554 and protect 335 00:18:08.434 --> 00:18:14.355 the little girl or the attributes of the little girl so that that can be how we interface. 336 00:18:15.110 --> 00:18:15.910 - Mhmm. 337 00:18:16.150 --> 00:18:17.110 So 338 00:18:20.470 --> 00:18:22.630 - let's what I'm what I'm getting 339 00:18:23.190 --> 00:18:28.309 very much from you, which is we touched on it before, but this this is deeper 340 00:18:29.430 --> 00:18:30.470 is 341 00:18:32.355 --> 00:18:35.075 that you just fundamentally feel 342 00:18:35.235 --> 00:18:36.355 not safe. 343 00:18:41.235 --> 00:18:43.075 And it's not safe to be you. 344 00:18:51.010 --> 00:18:52.289 Does that resonate? 345 00:18:53.010 --> 00:18:53.729 - Yes. 346 00:18:53.890 --> 00:18:54.450 Yeah. 347 00:18:56.450 --> 00:18:57.889 Gideon came to comfort. 348 00:18:59.250 --> 00:18:59.889 Hello, 349 00:19:00.130 --> 00:19:00.370 sir. 350 00:19:00.985 --> 00:19:01.624 Yeah. 351 00:19:03.465 --> 00:19:05.304 - When did you go ahead. 352 00:19:06.024 --> 00:19:08.504 - I'm not sure, Kellen, how to 353 00:19:08.745 --> 00:19:10.264 allow for that, 354 00:19:10.585 --> 00:19:12.104 the terror 355 00:19:13.225 --> 00:19:14.424 and the not safe. 356 00:19:15.030 --> 00:19:15.670 Mhmm. 357 00:19:15.830 --> 00:19:17.110 Lay out 358 00:19:17.910 --> 00:19:22.390 the threads of story around self pity types of things. 359 00:19:22.710 --> 00:19:23.510 But 360 00:19:24.950 --> 00:19:27.030 maybe that doesn't have to get figured out right now. 361 00:19:27.664 --> 00:19:32.065 - Well, when so when did when did Sarah learn that she was not safe? 362 00:19:32.865 --> 00:19:34.065 What happened there? 363 00:19:34.705 --> 00:19:35.664 - I mean, 364 00:19:39.424 --> 00:19:41.105 so dramatic in utero. 365 00:19:41.840 --> 00:19:42.960 I 366 00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:44.480 chose 367 00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:46.960 to incarnate into a really 368 00:19:47.440 --> 00:19:48.240 dense 369 00:19:49.120 --> 00:19:49.919 family 370 00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:51.279 karmic 371 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:52.159 cycle. 372 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:53.200 And 373 00:19:54.225 --> 00:19:54.865 yeah. 374 00:19:55.345 --> 00:19:56.065 Yeah. 375 00:19:57.184 --> 00:19:58.465 - What was going on? 376 00:20:04.465 --> 00:20:07.184 - Let's see if I can pull something that's not story. 377 00:20:08.190 --> 00:20:09.869 - The story's okay. 378 00:20:10.110 --> 00:20:12.989 - Just wanna get some specifics. Yeah. - Okay. 379 00:20:14.429 --> 00:20:15.869 Both of my parents 380 00:20:16.190 --> 00:20:18.269 had alcoholic fathers. 381 00:20:18.669 --> 00:20:19.229 So 382 00:20:19.710 --> 00:20:21.309 while neither of them 383 00:20:21.805 --> 00:20:23.885 were substance abusers, 384 00:20:24.205 --> 00:20:24.605 they 385 00:20:25.085 --> 00:20:25.804 both 386 00:20:26.125 --> 00:20:28.525 had nervous systems that were wired 387 00:20:29.005 --> 00:20:29.565 that I 388 00:20:30.365 --> 00:20:33.565 mentioned earlier, adult children of alcoholics 389 00:20:33.725 --> 00:20:35.325 and other dysfunctional families. 390 00:20:35.820 --> 00:20:39.339 There are particular traits that get passed down. 391 00:20:39.659 --> 00:20:40.139 And 392 00:20:41.340 --> 00:20:43.099 - that was your parents were that? 393 00:20:43.419 --> 00:20:46.619 - My parents were adult children, yes. My 394 00:20:47.580 --> 00:20:51.165 father had some pretty significant Peter Pan syndrome 395 00:20:51.165 --> 00:20:52.044 going on. 396 00:20:52.525 --> 00:20:53.565 Want to grow up. 397 00:20:54.925 --> 00:20:59.725 Don't want to grow up. We're 398 00:20:59.725 --> 00:21:02.125 being totally transparent here, right? No 399 00:21:02.365 --> 00:21:03.645 trigger warning necessary. 400 00:21:05.879 --> 00:21:06.999 Incest 401 00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:08.839 is part of the deal. 402 00:21:10.360 --> 00:21:13.559 - And you're from your your dad? - My father. 403 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:14.599 - Yeah. - I'm so sorry. 404 00:21:15.399 --> 00:21:15.959 - Yeah. 405 00:21:16.679 --> 00:21:18.679 A very early age. 406 00:21:19.715 --> 00:21:20.355 So 407 00:21:22.675 --> 00:21:23.715 that's like 408 00:21:25.875 --> 00:21:30.835 that's like God. Right? Can't can't trust God. Break by God. 409 00:21:31.475 --> 00:21:35.155 Those are real strong words. But that the terror piece 410 00:21:35.509 --> 00:21:37.669 that sort of underlies 411 00:21:38.230 --> 00:21:39.269 how 412 00:21:39.269 --> 00:21:40.549 I experience. 413 00:21:40.629 --> 00:21:43.749 I mask really well, or at least 414 00:21:43.990 --> 00:21:45.029 I mask. 415 00:21:46.309 --> 00:21:47.749 The terror piece 416 00:21:48.149 --> 00:21:49.269 started 417 00:21:49.269 --> 00:21:49.990 really young. 418 00:21:52.295 --> 00:21:54.615 What and what is meant to keep you safe 419 00:21:55.255 --> 00:21:57.015 is not available for that. 420 00:21:57.655 --> 00:22:00.375 - Yeah. And your mom knew this was happening? 421 00:22:02.455 --> 00:22:03.174 - After, 422 00:22:03.415 --> 00:22:04.055 later. 423 00:22:04.650 --> 00:22:05.370 Yeah. 424 00:22:05.610 --> 00:22:06.890 Yeah. Mama got 425 00:22:09.610 --> 00:22:11.210 mama's doing her work. 426 00:22:11.370 --> 00:22:16.490 And the strawberry field is often where I fight her when I everybody's passed now. 427 00:22:17.914 --> 00:22:20.874 All of my all of my people are on the other side. 428 00:22:21.274 --> 00:22:25.914 When I engage with my mother, often she's in a strawberry garden, and she's 429 00:22:25.914 --> 00:22:27.034 doing her work. 430 00:22:28.715 --> 00:22:30.315 I idealized her 431 00:22:30.715 --> 00:22:31.914 a lot growing up, 432 00:22:32.510 --> 00:22:33.550 and I do 433 00:22:34.190 --> 00:22:35.150 appreciate 434 00:22:35.790 --> 00:22:37.310 we came out of the 435 00:22:37.630 --> 00:22:38.990 fundamental Christian 436 00:22:39.150 --> 00:22:40.350 type of a 437 00:22:40.590 --> 00:22:41.710 constriction. 438 00:22:42.190 --> 00:22:43.230 And she 439 00:22:44.430 --> 00:22:45.150 expanded 440 00:22:45.230 --> 00:22:47.150 and went and found other 441 00:22:47.665 --> 00:22:49.505 truth and other spirituality 442 00:22:49.505 --> 00:22:50.144 and 443 00:22:50.385 --> 00:22:51.264 passed on 444 00:22:51.505 --> 00:22:54.865 the ability to search, to seek and find 445 00:22:55.025 --> 00:22:55.904 to me. 446 00:22:56.305 --> 00:22:56.865 But 447 00:22:58.225 --> 00:22:59.985 mama got sick 448 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:03.279 around 40, 449 00:23:03.840 --> 00:23:04.879 35. 450 00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:07.840 Couldn't. 451 00:23:11.360 --> 00:23:16.645 All the things we know about what's in the field and how emotions that we can't deal with 452 00:23:17.045 --> 00:23:19.924 Mhmm. Start to talk to us through our bodies and 453 00:23:22.005 --> 00:23:22.645 yeah. 454 00:23:24.005 --> 00:23:27.605 - So how long was the did the incest go on for? 455 00:23:29.660 --> 00:23:33.740 - I am a really good forgetter, Kelvin. Mhmm. It's only been through 456 00:23:39.020 --> 00:23:41.419 transcendent doesn't seem like the right word, 457 00:23:41.580 --> 00:23:42.620 but maybe 458 00:23:42.780 --> 00:23:46.434 moments that I have knowledge of what was. 459 00:23:47.554 --> 00:23:49.955 We also, my little brother and I, 460 00:23:51.475 --> 00:23:53.394 we also had babysitters 461 00:23:53.635 --> 00:23:54.674 when I was 462 00:23:56.275 --> 00:23:57.475 4.5 or five 463 00:23:58.010 --> 00:24:00.410 that took us places where 464 00:24:00.490 --> 00:24:02.410 people were inappropriate. 465 00:24:05.290 --> 00:24:06.410 I'm not sure 466 00:24:06.970 --> 00:24:09.610 how long things went on with my father. 467 00:24:09.690 --> 00:24:15.145 I don't know if it stopped when I was younger or if I've blocked it out. 468 00:24:15.545 --> 00:24:16.105 I 469 00:24:16.425 --> 00:24:19.544 do tell myself a story about 470 00:24:20.585 --> 00:24:22.905 the choices that I've made in my life, 471 00:24:27.530 --> 00:24:29.049 being how I coped 472 00:24:29.210 --> 00:24:32.730 with that until I was able to gain better tools, 473 00:24:32.970 --> 00:24:34.010 because it's 474 00:24:34.170 --> 00:24:37.370 not logical that the beautiful little girl that we were 475 00:24:37.845 --> 00:24:41.445 watching on the soccer field would make the choices that 476 00:24:41.765 --> 00:24:42.725 got made. 477 00:24:43.525 --> 00:24:44.325 Yeah. 478 00:24:47.284 --> 00:24:48.004 - Yeah. 479 00:24:48.085 --> 00:24:50.565 Well, this is a lot. This is a lot to 480 00:24:51.120 --> 00:24:55.039 deal with for anybody. And you're a sensitive, very sensitive, 481 00:24:55.760 --> 00:24:57.759 beautiful flower. It's gonna be 482 00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:01.759 It's gonna be 483 00:25:04.080 --> 00:25:05.120 - A little bit of levity. 484 00:25:08.505 --> 00:25:09.065 - Yeah. 485 00:25:10.345 --> 00:25:11.945 That's a fucking lot 486 00:25:14.424 --> 00:25:15.624 for anyone. 487 00:25:18.184 --> 00:25:20.505 Yeah. What what were you 488 00:25:21.670 --> 00:25:23.910 what were you looking for from your father? 489 00:25:34.775 --> 00:25:36.534 - Safety, security, 490 00:25:37.015 --> 00:25:37.575 love, 491 00:25:37.895 --> 00:25:38.774 comfort. 492 00:25:39.255 --> 00:25:39.894 - Yeah. 493 00:25:40.294 --> 00:25:42.134 - Whole healed masculine. 494 00:25:43.015 --> 00:25:43.575 Yeah. 495 00:25:44.215 --> 00:25:45.495 A scent actually, 496 00:25:46.100 --> 00:25:47.779 that ties in really well. 497 00:25:49.060 --> 00:25:50.419 A sense of worth. 498 00:25:51.140 --> 00:25:52.820 A sense of self worth. 499 00:25:53.220 --> 00:25:55.220 - Yeah. - Almost meet their daddies. 500 00:25:55.700 --> 00:25:57.299 Yeah. Yeah. 501 00:25:57.460 --> 00:25:58.340 And they 502 00:25:58.924 --> 00:26:04.524 - Did the cat lie on the microphone or something? It's a little harder to hear you now. - Oh, say again. 503 00:26:04.924 --> 00:26:06.924 - Did the cat lay 504 00:26:07.005 --> 00:26:08.684 on the microphone or 505 00:26:08.765 --> 00:26:11.325 - it's just a little harder to hear you? - No. 506 00:26:11.760 --> 00:26:15.600 - No. I can speak up. - I hear you now. Okay. Cool. 507 00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:16.799 You 508 00:26:17.360 --> 00:26:20.880 got very soft after the cat came by, so I had a hard time hearing you. 509 00:26:24.255 --> 00:26:25.135 So your 510 00:26:25.455 --> 00:26:26.174 safety, 511 00:26:26.335 --> 00:26:27.135 security, 512 00:26:27.455 --> 00:26:28.255 love, 513 00:26:28.735 --> 00:26:29.615 attention 514 00:26:30.655 --> 00:26:31.934 from your dad? 515 00:26:32.575 --> 00:26:34.495 - What it feels like to 516 00:26:34.815 --> 00:26:35.934 be held 517 00:26:36.095 --> 00:26:36.735 by 518 00:26:38.335 --> 00:26:38.815 healed 519 00:26:39.700 --> 00:26:40.740 masculine, 520 00:26:40.820 --> 00:26:42.180 or I could just say 521 00:26:42.340 --> 00:26:45.380 what is what is it Dani says? Mature masculine? 522 00:26:45.460 --> 00:26:46.260 - Right. 523 00:26:46.420 --> 00:26:47.220 Yeah. I 524 00:26:48.660 --> 00:26:49.620 - think, like, 525 00:26:50.180 --> 00:26:51.140 the girl 526 00:26:51.300 --> 00:26:51.940 so, 527 00:26:52.660 --> 00:26:55.300 you know, it it makes perfect sense that 528 00:26:56.315 --> 00:26:56.875 that, 529 00:26:57.835 --> 00:27:01.115 of course, little Sarah wouldn't 530 00:27:01.115 --> 00:27:02.715 feel safe, right? 531 00:27:03.115 --> 00:27:05.915 Never experienced that. And exactly 532 00:27:05.915 --> 00:27:06.554 the 533 00:27:06.795 --> 00:27:07.674 very person 534 00:27:07.915 --> 00:27:09.435 that's there to protect 535 00:27:10.230 --> 00:27:11.429 and provide 536 00:27:12.070 --> 00:27:13.190 is the one that 537 00:27:13.590 --> 00:27:18.950 is harming her and violating her. That's 538 00:27:18.950 --> 00:27:19.830 incredibly 539 00:27:22.950 --> 00:27:23.510 devastating. 540 00:27:29.075 --> 00:27:30.835 And so there's two 541 00:27:31.075 --> 00:27:33.555 opportunities here. I'd I'd never want that 542 00:27:34.115 --> 00:27:36.515 I'd never wish that to happen on anyone. Yeah. 543 00:27:38.500 --> 00:27:41.460 That's good. That's good. Take some love. 544 00:27:42.580 --> 00:27:44.980 - Give some love. Share some - love. 545 00:27:45.460 --> 00:27:46.179 Yeah. 546 00:27:49.060 --> 00:27:49.540 - Yeah. 547 00:27:55.735 --> 00:27:59.415 - Not to bypass anything, but we know that 548 00:28:00.775 --> 00:28:02.054 oh, look at that. 549 00:28:02.375 --> 00:28:02.695 Mhmm. 550 00:28:04.840 --> 00:28:06.759 We know that it's all a gift 551 00:28:06.919 --> 00:28:07.720 from 552 00:28:08.600 --> 00:28:09.639 an artist. 553 00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:13.879 - Yeah. So there's there's two things that that 554 00:28:14.679 --> 00:28:18.520 can be that that are an opportunity here. One is realizing 555 00:28:18.520 --> 00:28:18.760 that 556 00:28:21.305 --> 00:28:22.505 you're still here. 557 00:28:24.985 --> 00:28:25.705 - Right? 558 00:28:26.905 --> 00:28:27.545 So 559 00:28:29.945 --> 00:28:33.945 - on one level, just on a purely practical, logical level, like, 560 00:28:35.120 --> 00:28:36.000 yes, 561 00:28:36.320 --> 00:28:38.320 awful, awful things happened. 562 00:28:38.560 --> 00:28:44.240 It was extremely painful. It's not what anyone should experience or go go or go through, 563 00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:45.840 but you're here. 564 00:28:47.215 --> 00:28:52.735 So just on a practical logical level, you are you're safe. You're still here. You made it. 565 00:28:53.535 --> 00:28:54.495 So 566 00:28:55.375 --> 00:28:56.815 the story of 567 00:28:57.215 --> 00:29:01.215 not being safe is not true. It's not true that you're not safe. 568 00:29:02.320 --> 00:29:06.320 You've gone through horrible shit, and you're still fucking here. You know? 569 00:29:07.280 --> 00:29:08.880 You're quite resilient. 570 00:29:09.600 --> 00:29:10.800 Does that make sense? 571 00:29:11.200 --> 00:29:11.920 - Yes. 572 00:29:12.080 --> 00:29:12.800 - Yeah. 573 00:29:13.760 --> 00:29:15.200 And even, like, 574 00:29:15.520 --> 00:29:16.000 even 575 00:29:17.375 --> 00:29:18.735 deeper, if you will, 576 00:29:19.215 --> 00:29:19.935 on 577 00:29:20.895 --> 00:29:22.495 the physical plane 578 00:29:22.655 --> 00:29:24.495 of existence in 579 00:29:24.575 --> 00:29:26.335 this world that we live in, 580 00:29:27.215 --> 00:29:29.695 we will never be safe. This body 581 00:29:30.255 --> 00:29:34.320 that you are will never be quote unquote safe. Like you're 582 00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:37.760 gonna die at some point. This body is gonna pass at some point. Right? 583 00:29:37.760 --> 00:29:39.440 This body is not gonna last forever. 584 00:29:39.840 --> 00:29:47.440 And any moment, like last night, I was came drove home from an event in Vegas to come home here to California. 585 00:29:47.440 --> 00:29:47.600 And 586 00:29:48.455 --> 00:29:51.414 know, it's like six hours of driving. A lot of shit can happen 587 00:29:51.735 --> 00:29:55.735 through six hours of driving. I'm sure you've seen the thing about the commercial 588 00:29:55.735 --> 00:29:59.975 driver's licenses being handed to people who can't even read English and don't know how to drive a truck. 589 00:29:59.975 --> 00:30:02.740 Like, these things are a little scary. You know? So 590 00:30:02.900 --> 00:30:07.460 these are the some of the people that are on the roads these days, a lot of shit could happen, right? 591 00:30:07.460 --> 00:30:08.499 And we just never know. 592 00:30:09.059 --> 00:30:09.700 So 593 00:30:10.340 --> 00:30:14.980 safety can fundamentally never be found on human level, 594 00:30:15.540 --> 00:30:16.580 on the physical level. 595 00:30:18.715 --> 00:30:20.634 It's only found 596 00:30:21.755 --> 00:30:23.594 at the level of soul, 597 00:30:25.515 --> 00:30:26.554 of spirit. 598 00:30:30.154 --> 00:30:30.955 Does that make sense? 599 00:30:32.800 --> 00:30:33.760 - It does. 600 00:30:34.080 --> 00:30:34.720 - Yeah. 601 00:30:35.280 --> 00:30:35.919 So 602 00:30:36.480 --> 00:30:37.280 go ahead. 603 00:30:39.520 --> 00:30:41.600 - Something about being okay 604 00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:45.040 with everything in the moment as it is 605 00:30:45.200 --> 00:30:47.360 Uh-huh. That that's the resistance. 606 00:30:47.360 --> 00:30:48.080 It's 607 00:30:48.955 --> 00:30:50.474 anything other than that. 608 00:30:50.875 --> 00:30:52.874 And the lack of safety 609 00:30:53.195 --> 00:30:54.474 is more about 610 00:30:56.075 --> 00:30:57.594 my own judgment 611 00:30:58.075 --> 00:30:58.794 and 612 00:30:58.875 --> 00:31:00.154 my determination 613 00:31:00.940 --> 00:31:01.580 that 614 00:31:01.980 --> 00:31:05.419 things are not okay as they are in this moment. 615 00:31:06.220 --> 00:31:07.100 - Exactly. 616 00:31:07.180 --> 00:31:08.940 Yeah. Exactly right. Yeah. 617 00:31:09.660 --> 00:31:10.299 Yeah. 618 00:31:10.460 --> 00:31:14.785 And then we start telling us telling ourselves a story of how it's gonna be in the future. Right? 619 00:31:14.785 --> 00:31:17.345 Oh, shit. Then this is gonna happen. This 620 00:31:17.745 --> 00:31:18.945 might happen or whatever. 621 00:31:18.945 --> 00:31:22.465 We tell ourselves a scary story of the future, and then we can get scared over that. 622 00:31:22.865 --> 00:31:24.705 I'm like, oh, crap. 623 00:31:25.105 --> 00:31:26.705 But we don't know what's gonna happen in the future. 624 00:31:28.710 --> 00:31:29.989 But yeah, so at 625 00:31:31.590 --> 00:31:33.110 the level of soul, 626 00:31:33.270 --> 00:31:34.629 you were never born, 627 00:31:35.190 --> 00:31:37.590 you will never die, you can't be harmed. 628 00:31:37.910 --> 00:31:39.830 Safety, ultimate safety 629 00:31:40.070 --> 00:31:41.190 is found 630 00:31:41.510 --> 00:31:43.030 and only found 631 00:31:44.205 --> 00:31:47.164 in soul and in spirit and consciousness. 632 00:31:48.365 --> 00:31:49.565 And so whenever 633 00:31:49.645 --> 00:31:50.365 you're 634 00:31:50.525 --> 00:31:51.325 feeling, 635 00:31:51.804 --> 00:31:54.524 you're noticing that not safe, which 636 00:31:55.245 --> 00:31:58.445 after today, you're probably gonna notice more. But whenever you do, 637 00:31:59.220 --> 00:32:02.659 it's like, okay, I can't like trying to create 638 00:32:03.539 --> 00:32:07.220 feeling safe in the physical is futile. 639 00:32:07.380 --> 00:32:09.220 But what we can do is recognize, 640 00:32:09.220 --> 00:32:10.900 oh, is not who I am. 641 00:32:12.445 --> 00:32:15.325 Consciousness, spirit, soul is who I am. 642 00:32:15.805 --> 00:32:17.565 And at this level, I'm okay. 643 00:32:19.645 --> 00:32:22.765 - I'm more than okay, but I am okay. - Once. 644 00:32:23.005 --> 00:32:23.805 - Yeah. Right. 645 00:32:25.210 --> 00:32:25.930 And 646 00:32:27.370 --> 00:32:32.250 so that's one thing to take from this. Like, well, you survived and 647 00:32:32.410 --> 00:32:35.610 you're still here, so kinda you are safe logically, 648 00:32:36.010 --> 00:32:36.490 and 649 00:32:36.890 --> 00:32:38.890 true safety is found in the realm of soul. 650 00:32:40.455 --> 00:32:42.134 Something else that I found 651 00:32:43.655 --> 00:32:44.374 when 652 00:32:44.695 --> 00:32:48.934 there is a situation like this, like horrible abuse 653 00:32:49.015 --> 00:32:50.774 and these things, it's just 654 00:32:51.255 --> 00:32:53.414 taking a moment to actually 655 00:32:53.815 --> 00:32:54.695 see 656 00:32:55.180 --> 00:32:56.299 what part 657 00:32:57.980 --> 00:33:00.059 and you might already have done this, 658 00:33:00.860 --> 00:33:01.740 and but 659 00:33:02.620 --> 00:33:08.539 there can often be a huge breakthrough in just finding one tiny thing to take responsibility 660 00:33:08.540 --> 00:33:09.340 for 661 00:33:10.385 --> 00:33:11.265 in it. 662 00:33:11.745 --> 00:33:12.945 Does that make sense? 663 00:33:13.505 --> 00:33:18.145 So so for example, like my wife went through sexual abuse as a kid as well. 664 00:33:18.865 --> 00:33:20.625 And just recognizing 665 00:33:20.625 --> 00:33:25.425 that for her, that there was something there that she got something from it. 666 00:33:26.280 --> 00:33:27.799 She got some attention. 667 00:33:28.440 --> 00:33:31.000 She got there's some something in her, 668 00:33:31.880 --> 00:33:33.080 however innocent, 669 00:33:33.080 --> 00:33:34.679 however unhelpful, 670 00:33:35.080 --> 00:33:37.320 but there was something there that that 671 00:33:38.120 --> 00:33:41.720 she got from it that kept her not talking about it. 672 00:33:43.215 --> 00:33:44.014 Right? 673 00:33:44.575 --> 00:33:48.495 And that kept it going. Do you can you see anything like that for you? 674 00:33:48.495 --> 00:33:51.054 And this is not to put blame on you in any way, 675 00:33:51.295 --> 00:33:52.495 but it's to kinda 676 00:33:52.975 --> 00:33:54.735 reclaim a sense of power 677 00:33:55.055 --> 00:33:55.935 in this situation 678 00:33:56.940 --> 00:33:58.940 because through power is freedom? 679 00:34:05.580 --> 00:34:07.499 - Well, what you said she found 680 00:34:07.580 --> 00:34:08.460 makes 681 00:34:08.460 --> 00:34:09.179 sense, 682 00:34:09.739 --> 00:34:10.300 attention. 683 00:34:14.325 --> 00:34:16.245 Nothing else jumps out 684 00:34:16.645 --> 00:34:17.605 right now. 685 00:34:18.165 --> 00:34:18.725 - Yeah. 686 00:34:22.405 --> 00:34:24.485 - Love, a sense of closeness. 687 00:34:25.119 --> 00:34:25.760 Right. 688 00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:27.040 Maybe 689 00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:28.400 being special. 690 00:34:29.199 --> 00:34:31.280 - Right, yeah, beautiful. 691 00:34:32.400 --> 00:34:33.120 Yeah. 692 00:34:34.080 --> 00:34:36.320 - So just sit with that for a moment and just 693 00:34:37.005 --> 00:34:40.844 I mean, I'm getting emotional. Just like such a beautiful, 694 00:34:40.844 --> 00:34:42.364 sweet little girl who just 695 00:34:43.005 --> 00:34:46.685 wants all of those things from her dad. Of course she fucking does. Right? 696 00:34:47.324 --> 00:34:48.844 Of course she wants that. 697 00:34:49.085 --> 00:34:52.605 And this is she's never known anything else. She doesn't know 698 00:34:53.369 --> 00:34:54.650 that this is 699 00:34:55.529 --> 00:34:59.849 not how it's supposed to be. She doesn't how the fuck would she know? 700 00:35:01.529 --> 00:35:04.089 It's just the environment she was born into. 701 00:35:11.195 --> 00:35:13.115 She's doing the best she can through it all. 702 00:35:18.030 --> 00:35:19.710 - I got really sleepy. 703 00:35:20.190 --> 00:35:20.990 - Yeah. 704 00:35:21.630 --> 00:35:22.430 Yeah. 705 00:35:23.070 --> 00:35:24.030 It's good. 706 00:35:26.190 --> 00:35:27.150 - It's good. 707 00:35:27.470 --> 00:35:31.070 Yeah. You've been living under so much stress for so many years. 708 00:35:34.595 --> 00:35:37.875 Your whole system is running on this massive overdrive, 709 00:35:37.954 --> 00:35:38.675 trying 710 00:35:38.835 --> 00:35:40.435 to stay safe, trying to 711 00:35:40.755 --> 00:35:43.155 figure out how to belong. 712 00:35:43.635 --> 00:35:44.195 The 713 00:35:44.595 --> 00:35:47.714 pattern of yours where you're questioning yourself, 714 00:35:49.089 --> 00:35:50.609 and 715 00:35:50.609 --> 00:35:53.810 there's no judgment here. I just wanted you to notice when 716 00:35:54.050 --> 00:35:55.970 I ask a question and then you're like, 717 00:35:57.809 --> 00:36:00.530 you're like, how do I say this without going? It's a story. 718 00:36:00.530 --> 00:36:03.170 There's a whole right and wrong thing going on. 719 00:36:03.885 --> 00:36:06.925 You're constantly monitoring everything that you say 720 00:36:07.485 --> 00:36:10.445 so you don't fuck it up, you don't say the wrong thing 721 00:36:11.005 --> 00:36:13.005 because that might reveal that 722 00:36:14.125 --> 00:36:17.885 you're bad and you don't belong and then you feel not safe. 723 00:36:19.119 --> 00:36:20.000 Right. 724 00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:21.840 It's fucking exhausting. 725 00:36:22.560 --> 00:36:24.320 - And I'm not having any fun. 726 00:36:24.720 --> 00:36:25.440 Right. 727 00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:29.440 - Yeah. 728 00:36:29.760 --> 00:36:30.560 Yeah. 729 00:36:30.640 --> 00:36:31.119 Yeah. 730 00:36:33.924 --> 00:36:34.805 - Yeah. 731 00:36:37.525 --> 00:36:41.765 - Who you are is so fucking sweet and so adorable and so lovable. 732 00:36:43.365 --> 00:36:44.085 Yeah. 733 00:36:46.484 --> 00:36:46.885 Truly. 734 00:37:00.310 --> 00:37:02.310 There's a whole 735 00:37:03.375 --> 00:37:06.175 a whole version of you that I think you're 736 00:37:06.255 --> 00:37:08.175 quite familiar with, but that 737 00:37:08.495 --> 00:37:12.095 most of the world like, most of the time, she doesn't get allowed she's not allowed to come out. 738 00:37:21.010 --> 00:37:21.810 - Yeah. 739 00:37:30.130 --> 00:37:30.690 Thanks. 740 00:37:38.454 --> 00:37:39.815 Had me very different 741 00:37:40.535 --> 00:37:41.415 than my friend. 742 00:37:44.640 --> 00:37:46.320 Housemaid has also 743 00:37:46.480 --> 00:37:49.280 called me forward this way in just 744 00:37:49.839 --> 00:37:53.280 the last forty eight hours and being 745 00:37:53.280 --> 00:37:55.760 invited to, it feels like, 746 00:37:55.920 --> 00:37:57.839 level up and expand. 747 00:37:59.945 --> 00:38:01.305 Let there be more. 748 00:38:01.865 --> 00:38:02.665 Then there's the 749 00:38:03.705 --> 00:38:07.865 I showed up to be visible on this podcast today. You did. What? 750 00:38:08.185 --> 00:38:08.905 Yes. 751 00:38:09.785 --> 00:38:10.825 It's incredible. 752 00:38:11.305 --> 00:38:11.465 Totally. 753 00:38:13.220 --> 00:38:18.260 - Yeah. I just noticed, like, stepping up to me can sound a little bit, like, judgmental. 754 00:38:18.260 --> 00:38:22.980 Right? You're you're not you're you're whatever. You're not at at the level or whatever. 755 00:38:22.980 --> 00:38:25.140 But just for me, it's more just, like, 756 00:38:26.225 --> 00:38:28.705 let her free. Right? Let her out. 757 00:38:28.945 --> 00:38:34.865 Like, notice no judgment. Like, we wanna get away from the judgment, but don't judge the judgment. 758 00:38:34.865 --> 00:38:37.905 Don't judge yourself for judging. You you yeah. Of course, you would judge her. 759 00:38:37.905 --> 00:38:39.985 And of course, you end up judging yourself. Like, 760 00:38:40.830 --> 00:38:43.390 of course, with that with that background, like, 761 00:38:43.710 --> 00:38:45.150 shame and guilt 762 00:38:45.470 --> 00:38:49.390 and, like, this incessant self judgment, self censorship, 763 00:38:49.390 --> 00:38:52.110 self monitoring, self awareness of consciousness, like, 764 00:38:52.750 --> 00:38:56.765 it's gonna be fucking baked in from that from that experience, 765 00:38:57.085 --> 00:39:01.964 but all of that is not who you are. It's just the coping mechanism for it all. 766 00:39:02.525 --> 00:39:04.285 And there's a whole 767 00:39:04.525 --> 00:39:05.964 other version of you 768 00:39:06.525 --> 00:39:08.285 on the other side of that, 769 00:39:08.684 --> 00:39:09.724 and that's 770 00:39:10.980 --> 00:39:15.140 that's what this is all about. That she's the one that this is all about. 771 00:39:26.925 --> 00:39:32.285 This Yeah. Could take a little bit of practice because you there there's, you know, there's 772 00:39:32.285 --> 00:39:37.724 a part of you that, you know, is very attached to this way of operating because it again, it kept you safe until now. 773 00:39:37.724 --> 00:39:41.110 You're still alive. You still survived. So it's like, yep. No. 774 00:39:41.110 --> 00:39:45.270 We gotta monitor shit, we're gonna control things, we're gonna make sure that we never 775 00:39:45.830 --> 00:39:51.430 say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing because then we might, you know, not belong or not feel safe. 776 00:39:51.430 --> 00:39:51.830 But 777 00:39:52.310 --> 00:39:56.630 - I mean, let's - But those things are already 778 00:39:55.215 --> 00:39:55.855 true. 779 00:39:56.495 --> 00:39:57.375 - Right. 780 00:39:57.455 --> 00:39:59.295 - Exactly. It doesn't - work anymore. 781 00:40:02.655 --> 00:40:03.855 - It doesn't work. 782 00:40:04.335 --> 00:40:06.495 Yeah. Did you ever not belong? 783 00:40:12.420 --> 00:40:13.860 - One human family. 784 00:40:15.060 --> 00:40:15.780 Mhmm. 785 00:40:18.500 --> 00:40:20.180 Did I ever not belong? 786 00:40:20.580 --> 00:40:21.940 Mhmm. No. 787 00:40:22.500 --> 00:40:22.980 - No. 788 00:40:24.345 --> 00:40:25.465 Can you not belong? 789 00:40:37.960 --> 00:40:38.760 Yeah. 790 00:40:40.119 --> 00:40:42.760 If life didn't want you here, 791 00:40:43.240 --> 00:40:44.520 you wouldn't be here. 792 00:40:48.759 --> 00:40:49.160 - Yeah. 793 00:40:51.954 --> 00:40:53.234 - Lots of opportunities 794 00:40:53.234 --> 00:40:53.955 to 795 00:40:54.035 --> 00:40:55.235 go the other way. 796 00:40:56.115 --> 00:40:57.315 - What does that mean? 797 00:40:58.035 --> 00:41:01.235 - To check out, to not 798 00:41:01.555 --> 00:41:03.235 be in corporeal. 799 00:41:03.714 --> 00:41:03.875 Yeah. 800 00:41:05.090 --> 00:41:06.290 - Yeah. 801 00:41:06.290 --> 00:41:07.410 Right. Yes. 802 00:41:08.130 --> 00:41:09.410 Yeah. And you're here. 803 00:41:10.850 --> 00:41:14.610 You belong. You can't not belong. It doesn't matter who who who thinks you don't belong. 804 00:41:14.610 --> 00:41:17.330 It doesn't matter how many people think you don't belong. 805 00:41:17.730 --> 00:41:19.410 It doesn't fucking have anything to do with you. 806 00:41:20.244 --> 00:41:24.645 - Matters if I think that I'm the only one that can expel myself. 807 00:41:25.125 --> 00:41:27.365 A 100%. Yeah. Yeah. 808 00:41:27.445 --> 00:41:28.245 - Yes. 809 00:41:28.484 --> 00:41:29.845 So that's all it is. 810 00:41:31.365 --> 00:41:31.765 Yeah. 811 00:41:34.779 --> 00:41:38.140 - Don't know how this there's no segue. I don't know how this is relevant. 812 00:41:38.140 --> 00:41:41.660 But I was listening to the influencers the other day, 813 00:41:42.059 --> 00:41:42.540 and 814 00:41:44.059 --> 00:41:45.180 the thinker, 815 00:41:45.740 --> 00:41:47.740 when he doesn't have enough energy, 816 00:41:48.299 --> 00:41:49.020 is 817 00:41:50.595 --> 00:41:52.275 goes into overproduction 818 00:41:52.435 --> 00:41:53.635 of thoughts. 819 00:41:54.035 --> 00:41:59.315 And I just laughed and laughed. Yes, that is how I experience the thinker. 820 00:41:59.715 --> 00:42:00.355 And 821 00:42:02.035 --> 00:42:03.315 I guess that's where 822 00:42:03.555 --> 00:42:04.195 the 823 00:42:04.730 --> 00:42:06.490 expulsion maybe comes from, 824 00:42:07.450 --> 00:42:08.810 thoughts that are not 825 00:42:09.609 --> 00:42:11.530 loving and congruent with 826 00:42:12.010 --> 00:42:13.530 Mhmm. The I belong. 827 00:42:13.930 --> 00:42:14.890 Yeah. Yeah. 828 00:42:16.490 --> 00:42:19.130 - And it's been one of the ways that you've tried to 829 00:42:19.944 --> 00:42:22.905 that your subconscious mind has tried to keep you safe, 830 00:42:24.345 --> 00:42:25.065 this 831 00:42:26.505 --> 00:42:28.345 thinking and judging and evaluating. 832 00:42:33.400 --> 00:42:35.240 - It's a peaceful space here. 833 00:42:35.560 --> 00:42:36.280 - Yeah. 834 00:42:37.160 --> 00:42:37.880 Right? 835 00:42:39.640 --> 00:42:40.440 Yeah. 836 00:42:43.320 --> 00:42:46.840 - Is it alright to pivot a little bit into some business? 837 00:42:47.545 --> 00:42:49.065 - Yeah. We can. Yeah. 838 00:42:49.625 --> 00:42:55.545 - Totally. - Let's 839 00:42:55.545 --> 00:42:57.305 see if I can just speak without a filter. 840 00:43:00.119 --> 00:43:01.880 So I used AI. 841 00:43:01.880 --> 00:43:02.760 I I'm 842 00:43:03.160 --> 00:43:06.680 playing with that a little bit, kind of very 843 00:43:06.680 --> 00:43:09.480 new at it. ChatGPT 844 00:43:09.559 --> 00:43:13.079 broke down what Simplero is for me, what the platform 845 00:43:14.184 --> 00:43:19.065 can do for teachers and content creators and business owners. 846 00:43:19.785 --> 00:43:20.345 And 847 00:43:20.984 --> 00:43:25.944 then I plugged in some of my forest service government contract 848 00:43:29.240 --> 00:43:30.280 designs, 849 00:43:30.440 --> 00:43:32.920 how I would like to set that up, 850 00:43:33.400 --> 00:43:35.240 and it unfolded 851 00:43:35.240 --> 00:43:36.040 with 852 00:43:37.000 --> 00:43:38.040 super useful 853 00:43:39.560 --> 00:43:41.800 suggestions about how to 854 00:43:42.040 --> 00:43:45.625 set things up in Sinclair formats 855 00:43:45.625 --> 00:43:46.265 and 856 00:43:46.744 --> 00:43:47.545 tiered 857 00:43:49.145 --> 00:43:50.185 offerings. 858 00:43:55.145 --> 00:43:57.545 Do I have an account already 859 00:43:57.545 --> 00:43:58.425 because 860 00:43:58.425 --> 00:44:00.345 I 861 00:43:59.280 --> 00:44:00.240 access 862 00:44:00.880 --> 00:44:05.600 this is maybe too specific for anybody listening on the podcast. 863 00:44:05.840 --> 00:44:07.680 - No. You have a login. 864 00:44:08.080 --> 00:44:13.120 - I have a login. - You have a login, which you can use to both run your your 865 00:44:13.385 --> 00:44:18.185 account, your business account, and to access content on other people's accounts. 866 00:44:18.265 --> 00:44:19.305 - So Okay. 867 00:44:19.545 --> 00:44:24.825 - Yeah. So you have a login, but not an account yet as far as I'm aware. - Yeah. Okay. 868 00:44:24.984 --> 00:44:25.385 - Yeah. 869 00:44:28.360 --> 00:44:29.080 - Yeah. 870 00:44:36.600 --> 00:44:38.520 - I might not wanna pivot, Calvin. 871 00:44:41.000 --> 00:44:41.800 - It's all good. 872 00:44:42.714 --> 00:44:49.035 Do you think that this version of you that we've uncovered here today is gonna have an easier time doing business? 873 00:44:55.770 --> 00:44:58.330 - Anything from a more regulated space. 874 00:44:58.410 --> 00:44:59.050 Yes. 875 00:44:59.850 --> 00:45:00.570 - Yeah. 876 00:45:00.650 --> 00:45:01.450 Yeah. 877 00:45:02.490 --> 00:45:03.290 Yeah. 878 00:45:05.610 --> 00:45:06.570 - And 879 00:45:15.724 --> 00:45:17.005 the little girl 880 00:45:19.325 --> 00:45:21.164 the little girl from soccer field, 881 00:45:25.099 --> 00:45:26.460 She deserves 882 00:45:26.460 --> 00:45:28.220 and is worthy of 883 00:45:28.380 --> 00:45:29.020 having 884 00:45:29.260 --> 00:45:29.980 friends, 885 00:45:30.220 --> 00:45:31.099 relationships, 886 00:45:31.099 --> 00:45:32.940 because that's what business 887 00:45:33.180 --> 00:45:34.859 is or can be. 888 00:45:35.260 --> 00:45:35.500 And 889 00:45:38.245 --> 00:45:38.965 to 890 00:45:40.085 --> 00:45:41.205 feel abundant 891 00:45:41.285 --> 00:45:42.165 and 892 00:45:43.925 --> 00:45:44.565 flow 893 00:45:44.885 --> 00:45:46.085 financially 894 00:45:46.085 --> 00:45:47.925 and in all the ways 895 00:45:48.325 --> 00:45:49.045 so 896 00:45:49.205 --> 00:45:51.445 I can focus in that direction. 897 00:45:56.040 --> 00:45:58.520 I'm really not sure what's coming through right now. 898 00:45:58.760 --> 00:46:00.520 Maybe nothing that's 899 00:46:00.520 --> 00:46:02.440 terribly coherent. There's the judgment. 900 00:46:05.065 --> 00:46:09.145 Yeah. Little girl is worthy of having a successful business 901 00:46:09.545 --> 00:46:10.585 and easy 902 00:46:10.585 --> 00:46:11.865 access to 903 00:46:12.105 --> 00:46:13.785 to finances 904 00:46:13.785 --> 00:46:16.425 and to all that the world has to offer. 905 00:46:17.305 --> 00:46:19.625 - Yeah. Absolutely. - Of course - she does. 906 00:46:19.945 --> 00:46:20.265 - Yeah. 907 00:46:23.759 --> 00:46:25.920 - And people can feel her more. 908 00:46:26.400 --> 00:46:29.440 People can connect with her more because she's there. She's 909 00:46:30.640 --> 00:46:32.559 out. She's not hidden 910 00:46:32.559 --> 00:46:35.119 behind this layer of self judgment and 911 00:46:35.359 --> 00:46:36.079 self censorship. 912 00:46:36.474 --> 00:46:37.835 Like, she could just 913 00:46:39.115 --> 00:46:40.395 she can just be there. 914 00:46:41.515 --> 00:46:43.115 - And then I can make mistakes, 915 00:46:43.355 --> 00:46:49.755 and I can start sentences and not finish them or have ideas that are not thought all the way through. 916 00:46:50.075 --> 00:46:54.080 And because we're just playing, it's all the same. Exactly. 917 00:46:54.480 --> 00:46:57.920 - And all of those mistakes she makes are not mistakes. 918 00:46:59.360 --> 00:47:00.080 Exactly. 919 00:47:02.240 --> 00:47:02.880 Yeah. 920 00:47:03.840 --> 00:47:04.400 Exactly. 921 00:47:05.175 --> 00:47:07.095 Yeah. I was I was listening to something 922 00:47:07.335 --> 00:47:09.895 to an old Louise Hay thing 923 00:47:10.375 --> 00:47:14.055 I came across on YouTube the other day. Like and 924 00:47:15.015 --> 00:47:17.095 she's so sweet. She's so adorable. 925 00:47:17.175 --> 00:47:18.215 And she's like 926 00:47:18.775 --> 00:47:20.215 she talks about 927 00:47:20.690 --> 00:47:21.890 prosperity. 928 00:47:23.810 --> 00:47:24.770 And she's like 929 00:47:25.650 --> 00:47:26.770 people are like 930 00:47:28.450 --> 00:47:31.810 you know, they talk about prosperity, and they immediately start talking about money. 931 00:47:31.810 --> 00:47:33.970 But there's so many other things about it. 932 00:47:33.970 --> 00:47:38.464 There's like, do you have a prosperity of are you prosperous when it comes to time? 933 00:47:38.464 --> 00:47:39.585 Are you prosperous 934 00:47:39.585 --> 00:47:41.185 when it comes to love, 935 00:47:41.664 --> 00:47:42.945 to beauty, 936 00:47:43.105 --> 00:47:43.665 to 937 00:47:44.224 --> 00:47:46.545 wisdom, to good health? 938 00:47:46.625 --> 00:47:47.105 Like, 939 00:47:47.744 --> 00:47:48.464 to comfort, 940 00:47:50.810 --> 00:47:55.690 like, you know, what what are all the things that we can relate to from a place of scarcity or abundance? 941 00:47:55.690 --> 00:47:56.410 Right? Like, 942 00:47:56.730 --> 00:48:00.090 oh, I only have a little bit of time. I only have a little bit of comfort. 943 00:48:00.090 --> 00:48:01.610 I only have a little bit of beauty. 944 00:48:01.930 --> 00:48:06.090 Like, oh, wisdom and insight is hard to get to. Like, it's only so much. 945 00:48:06.090 --> 00:48:07.855 Like, like, can we just, like, 946 00:48:08.255 --> 00:48:11.775 go to all all areas of life with a cup, 947 00:48:11.855 --> 00:48:15.375 with a with a bucket, not with a small, tiny, 948 00:48:16.414 --> 00:48:22.620 tiny little guy for, like, go to the ocean of everything that's that's good in the world that you want and just 949 00:48:23.100 --> 00:48:24.860 put a mainline in there and 950 00:48:25.580 --> 00:48:26.860 take it in. So, 951 00:48:28.780 --> 00:48:29.420 yeah, 952 00:48:30.460 --> 00:48:34.619 it's just the whole that way of operating or being in the world of just 953 00:48:35.505 --> 00:48:37.585 be prosperous with everything. Be abundant 954 00:48:38.385 --> 00:48:40.705 and prosperous and generous with the love 955 00:48:41.105 --> 00:48:42.785 that you give that girl 956 00:48:43.984 --> 00:48:45.585 and the time that you give her. 957 00:48:54.410 --> 00:48:55.210 - Yeah. 958 00:49:02.250 --> 00:49:03.930 - Be prosperous with praise. 959 00:49:06.055 --> 00:49:07.335 Praise yourself. 960 00:49:08.135 --> 00:49:09.415 Praise her. 961 00:49:09.735 --> 00:49:11.255 Receive the praise. 962 00:49:12.455 --> 00:49:14.535 Live in a world of abundance of praise 963 00:49:20.230 --> 00:49:21.430 And pride. 964 00:49:23.030 --> 00:49:24.390 Be proud of her. 965 00:49:24.630 --> 00:49:25.910 Be proud of you. 966 00:49:27.910 --> 00:49:29.270 Everything you've accomplished. 967 00:49:31.914 --> 00:49:32.795 - Made it. 968 00:49:33.755 --> 00:49:34.555 - Yeah. 969 00:49:34.954 --> 00:49:37.515 And not just made it, but, you know, like, 970 00:49:37.914 --> 00:49:41.115 with your with your background, your experience, like, 971 00:49:42.795 --> 00:49:44.075 you've done incredible. 972 00:49:45.810 --> 00:49:48.050 You may not be where you wanna be financially. 973 00:49:48.050 --> 00:49:52.690 You may not be where you wanna be when it comes to to relationships and intimacy. 974 00:49:52.690 --> 00:49:55.170 Like, of course, there's more there's more to conquer, 975 00:49:56.210 --> 00:49:57.650 but you've done incredible. 976 00:50:00.505 --> 00:50:02.425 - That is true. Yeah. 977 00:50:02.665 --> 00:50:03.385 Yeah. 978 00:50:04.745 --> 00:50:05.625 Yeah. 979 00:50:07.545 --> 00:50:10.105 - This could have gone so many different ways and you didn't. 980 00:50:14.020 --> 00:50:17.300 - And then just challenging spaces and places where I'm 981 00:50:18.180 --> 00:50:18.980 uniquely 982 00:50:18.980 --> 00:50:20.820 useful to other 983 00:50:21.460 --> 00:50:22.260 beings 984 00:50:22.339 --> 00:50:24.180 traveling similar roads. 985 00:50:25.065 --> 00:50:25.785 Mhmm. 986 00:50:26.185 --> 00:50:26.985 Feels 987 00:50:27.385 --> 00:50:28.585 feels good. 988 00:50:29.065 --> 00:50:30.585 Yeah. Yeah. 989 00:50:31.305 --> 00:50:32.105 Yeah. 990 00:50:35.945 --> 00:50:37.464 - So 991 00:50:37.464 --> 00:50:40.505 what's what's possible for you when you 992 00:50:41.200 --> 00:50:42.000 when you 993 00:50:43.840 --> 00:50:46.080 you don't not belong, 994 00:50:48.080 --> 00:50:49.200 you're not 995 00:50:50.800 --> 00:50:51.600 wrong, 996 00:50:53.760 --> 00:50:55.440 you're not not safe, 997 00:50:58.855 --> 00:50:59.895 You didn't 998 00:50:59.895 --> 00:51:01.494 do anything wrong. 999 00:51:03.974 --> 00:51:07.335 And you're free to just be who you are. What's possible for you in that world? 1000 00:51:14.300 --> 00:51:15.740 - It's really exciting. 1001 00:51:16.060 --> 00:51:17.740 - Yeah. Right? - Yeah. 1002 00:51:17.980 --> 00:51:18.700 Yeah. 1003 00:51:19.900 --> 00:51:21.260 And the not knowing 1004 00:51:22.140 --> 00:51:23.900 is a lot of fun too. 1005 00:51:24.220 --> 00:51:25.500 Yeah. Yeah. 1006 00:51:27.085 --> 00:51:28.045 Tell me about that. 1007 00:51:31.725 --> 00:51:34.685 Fear and excitement are very similar. Right? 1008 00:51:34.685 --> 00:51:38.445 There's like a bubbly feeling in my tummy right now as I 1009 00:51:39.330 --> 00:51:40.290 think about 1010 00:51:40.530 --> 00:51:41.490 future, 1011 00:51:41.490 --> 00:51:43.170 receive information from, 1012 00:51:43.730 --> 00:51:44.450 but 1013 00:51:45.730 --> 00:51:49.810 don't have any kind of stories looking from the past about 1014 00:51:50.050 --> 00:51:51.490 what future will be. 1015 00:51:51.970 --> 00:51:52.690 Uh-huh. 1016 00:51:53.010 --> 00:51:53.410 Yeah. 1017 00:51:54.275 --> 00:51:55.475 That feels 1018 00:51:56.755 --> 00:51:58.515 playful and possible 1019 00:51:58.835 --> 00:51:59.555 and 1020 00:52:01.315 --> 00:52:02.035 exciting. 1021 00:52:03.555 --> 00:52:04.195 - Yeah. 1022 00:52:07.155 --> 00:52:07.555 - Yeah. 1023 00:52:09.270 --> 00:52:10.230 Not knowing 1024 00:52:10.470 --> 00:52:13.350 I mean, not knowing, period, is a great place to be. 1025 00:52:15.030 --> 00:52:17.670 Not knowing what's gonna happen is an awesome place too. 1026 00:52:18.230 --> 00:52:19.430 - Edge of chaos. 1027 00:52:20.230 --> 00:52:21.350 - Yeah. 1028 00:52:21.830 --> 00:52:22.230 Yeah. 1029 00:52:26.875 --> 00:52:28.235 - Swimming in the ocean. 1030 00:52:28.474 --> 00:52:33.275 I've got a place that I walk not far from here. I live in beautiful Montana. 1031 00:52:33.595 --> 00:52:36.954 Uh-huh. There is so I'm so wealthy 1032 00:52:37.290 --> 00:52:40.090 in nature and experience here. 1033 00:52:40.250 --> 00:52:43.210 There's a pond that I walk around in the mornings, 1034 00:52:43.610 --> 00:52:46.250 and there's a pair of mated eagles 1035 00:52:46.410 --> 00:52:47.850 that are often 1036 00:52:48.090 --> 00:52:50.010 picking fish out of the pond. 1037 00:52:52.325 --> 00:52:54.885 Pretty sure there's an osprey 1038 00:52:54.885 --> 00:52:56.085 now too. 1039 00:52:56.565 --> 00:52:57.205 Uh-huh. 1040 00:52:57.845 --> 00:52:59.205 Yeah. Just 1041 00:53:00.244 --> 00:53:01.205 I am 1042 00:53:01.845 --> 00:53:03.605 often surprised and delighted 1043 00:53:04.180 --> 00:53:04.900 by 1044 00:53:05.060 --> 00:53:06.580 what the day brings, 1045 00:53:07.140 --> 00:53:07.780 and 1046 00:53:09.460 --> 00:53:11.460 that's with what was looping. 1047 00:53:11.620 --> 00:53:13.380 So planning 1048 00:53:13.460 --> 00:53:14.660 in this moment, 1049 00:53:15.860 --> 00:53:16.740 wash that all out. 1050 00:53:19.445 --> 00:53:23.445 What does Kate say? I love getting to be a part of Calvin's group 1051 00:53:24.325 --> 00:53:25.685 in our alchemy 1052 00:53:26.005 --> 00:53:26.885 pod, 1053 00:53:27.365 --> 00:53:29.845 Sandy and Kate and Norman, 1054 00:53:30.325 --> 00:53:31.285 Calvin and myself. 1055 00:53:32.820 --> 00:53:35.780 I watched the interactive between you and Norman. 1056 00:53:36.260 --> 00:53:37.940 It was heartening 1057 00:53:38.100 --> 00:53:39.940 in preparation for this. 1058 00:53:43.380 --> 00:53:44.020 Kate says, 1059 00:53:45.155 --> 00:53:49.795 God, I know today is gonna be the most magical day of my life. Show me. 1060 00:53:50.515 --> 00:53:55.075 I've fallen out the habit of doing that, but remember it for the last few days. 1061 00:53:55.795 --> 00:53:56.355 Yeah, 1062 00:53:56.675 --> 00:53:57.955 beautiful things pop in. 1063 00:53:58.710 --> 00:53:59.350 - Yeah. 1064 00:54:00.470 --> 00:54:01.510 Yeah. I 1065 00:54:02.310 --> 00:54:03.910 love this. I 1066 00:54:05.109 --> 00:54:07.030 - love it. And, yeah, and there are people who live in 1067 00:54:07.910 --> 00:54:11.670 I bet there are people who live in the same area who are not appreciating the 1068 00:54:12.065 --> 00:54:16.705 the their experience is not the the abundance of the beauty of nature. 1069 00:54:16.785 --> 00:54:19.265 Like, they're they're just stuck in their head. 1070 00:54:19.265 --> 00:54:22.145 Like, oh, I'm trying to get to work and do the things and all that. Right? 1071 00:54:22.145 --> 00:54:26.305 So, like, it's always a choice. Like, it's it's right there. We can take it in or we can 1072 00:54:27.420 --> 00:54:30.380 think something else is more important or, you know, 1073 00:54:30.700 --> 00:54:32.700 be be in scarcity around it. 1074 00:54:33.980 --> 00:54:35.660 - I have a new job, Kevin. 1075 00:54:36.060 --> 00:54:37.980 Just started two days ago. 1076 00:54:38.460 --> 00:54:38.619 The 1077 00:54:39.444 --> 00:54:42.725 The driving for Bonnie in the seasonal was completed. 1078 00:54:43.365 --> 00:54:43.845 And 1079 00:54:44.325 --> 00:54:47.285 I met new friends on the job last night. 1080 00:54:47.525 --> 00:54:50.005 I had a lot of fun joking around with a couple of guys. 1081 00:54:52.645 --> 00:54:53.605 This job 1082 00:54:54.390 --> 00:54:58.550 lets me do other jobs while I'm doing that job. 1083 00:54:59.589 --> 00:55:01.270 I can work on my businesses. 1084 00:55:01.430 --> 00:55:03.030 I've got a lot of downtime. 1085 00:55:03.510 --> 00:55:04.150 And 1086 00:55:04.549 --> 00:55:07.910 because I'm signed up for fire season with the Forest Service, 1087 00:55:09.095 --> 00:55:12.215 When fire breaks out, we leave at a moment's notice. 1088 00:55:12.855 --> 00:55:16.935 This job allows me to do that. There is a lot of alignment. 1089 00:55:17.575 --> 00:55:19.415 - That's amazing. - That's incredible. Yeah, 1090 00:55:19.734 --> 00:55:21.095 it really is. 1091 00:55:21.575 --> 00:55:23.174 So the 1092 00:55:23.870 --> 00:55:24.910 concern 1093 00:55:25.070 --> 00:55:27.070 that I had around finances 1094 00:55:27.150 --> 00:55:28.030 has 1095 00:55:28.110 --> 00:55:29.310 dissipated 1096 00:55:29.390 --> 00:55:31.070 and things are 1097 00:55:31.230 --> 00:55:33.150 flowing in a good direction. 1098 00:55:33.870 --> 00:55:36.030 - I'm so happy to hear that. What is it? What is the job? 1099 00:55:36.895 --> 00:55:38.575 - I am transporting 1100 00:55:38.575 --> 00:55:40.175 railroad personnel 1101 00:55:40.335 --> 00:55:40.735 Mhmm. 1102 00:55:41.455 --> 00:55:43.295 From one location to another. 1103 00:55:43.695 --> 00:55:44.735 Mhmm. So 1104 00:55:44.815 --> 00:55:46.895 I'm out in the forest mostly 1105 00:55:46.975 --> 00:55:48.175 along the tracks. 1106 00:55:50.600 --> 00:55:51.400 Yeah. 1107 00:55:51.720 --> 00:55:52.360 Bears 1108 00:55:52.600 --> 00:55:53.720 and loathing. 1109 00:55:54.120 --> 00:55:59.400 - And you have to run like, the railroad personnel is just gonna stay wherever they are and not move? 1110 00:55:59.960 --> 00:56:05.454 - Say it again. - If you have to go, you know, fight a forest, do some forest work Oh. 1111 00:56:05.454 --> 00:56:07.454 At a moment's notice, then they're just like, alright. 1112 00:56:07.454 --> 00:56:10.175 - We'll wait for her to come back or - someone else is gonna come 1113 00:56:10.895 --> 00:56:12.575 They'll send somebody else. 1114 00:56:13.775 --> 00:56:14.575 Alright. 1115 00:56:16.095 --> 00:56:22.350 - Poor railroad people get stuck all out on on the job for, like, three weeks while they wait for you to come come by. 1116 00:56:23.790 --> 00:56:26.270 - Walk to town by then. Right. 1117 00:56:26.589 --> 00:56:31.230 I get to drive through West Glacier, Glacier International Park. 1118 00:56:31.550 --> 00:56:33.150 Glacier National Park. 1119 00:56:33.790 --> 00:56:34.750 Beautiful country. 1120 00:56:35.405 --> 00:56:36.125 - Mhmm. 1121 00:56:36.285 --> 00:56:36.845 - Yeah. 1122 00:56:37.325 --> 00:56:38.125 - Alright. 1123 00:56:38.285 --> 00:56:40.925 - Yeah. That's amazing. - I'm so happy for you. 1124 00:56:42.204 --> 00:56:42.845 - Yeah. 1125 00:56:43.005 --> 00:56:45.165 This beginning to feel complete? 1126 00:56:45.565 --> 00:56:49.885 - Yeah. Yeah. What do you what do you take with you from this conversation? 1127 00:56:50.365 --> 00:56:51.810 What do you know to be true? 1128 00:56:59.250 --> 00:57:00.450 - I can do hard things. 1129 00:57:04.715 --> 00:57:06.315 I never didn't belong. 1130 00:57:06.715 --> 00:57:07.435 I 1131 00:57:11.195 --> 00:57:12.555 can share about 1132 00:57:17.990 --> 00:57:19.350 experiences 1133 00:57:19.990 --> 00:57:21.750 and be seen 1134 00:57:22.069 --> 00:57:23.350 and loved 1135 00:57:23.910 --> 00:57:25.190 in 1136 00:57:25.190 --> 00:57:26.310 those spaces. 1137 00:57:28.470 --> 00:57:28.869 - Yeah. 1138 00:57:32.795 --> 00:57:34.555 - And the the 1139 00:57:35.435 --> 00:57:36.955 unstoried future 1140 00:57:37.595 --> 00:57:38.395 where 1141 00:57:39.515 --> 00:57:40.715 my beautiful 1142 00:57:41.115 --> 00:57:43.275 little self 1143 00:57:42.490 --> 00:57:45.450 gets to play in the world with the others, 1144 00:57:45.610 --> 00:57:47.050 that feels really, 1145 00:57:47.370 --> 00:57:48.330 really good. 1146 00:57:48.970 --> 00:57:49.610 Mhmm. 1147 00:57:52.490 --> 00:57:54.250 It's been lonely on this side. 1148 00:57:55.530 --> 00:57:59.235 - I couldn't hear that. What did you say? - It's been lonely on this side. 1149 00:58:00.355 --> 00:58:01.875 Right? Autumn Leap. 1150 00:58:02.115 --> 00:58:02.835 - Yeah. 1151 00:58:03.715 --> 00:58:04.595 Yeah. 1152 00:58:05.555 --> 00:58:07.715 I'm 1153 00:58:07.715 --> 00:58:08.515 so happy 1154 00:58:08.880 --> 00:58:10.640 - she gets to come out and play. 1155 00:58:12.559 --> 00:58:13.440 - Thank you. 1156 00:58:13.759 --> 00:58:14.480 - Yeah. 1157 00:58:15.039 --> 00:58:15.920 Thank you. 1158 00:58:17.759 --> 00:58:18.480 Yeah. 1159 00:58:19.839 --> 00:58:26.295 Thank you for doing this with me and being here with me and letting me see that side of you. 1160 00:58:27.735 --> 00:58:29.495 - Perfectly in perfect peace. 1161 00:58:30.215 --> 00:58:30.935 Yeah. 1162 00:58:33.895 --> 00:58:37.415 - Alright, Sarah. I love you very much. I'll see you 1163 00:58:37.735 --> 00:58:39.966 next week on the pod, I Alright. 1164 00:58:41.726 --> 00:58:42.606 - Bye. 1165 00:58:42.926 --> 00:58:44.206 Bye. Thank you. 1166 00:58:44.526 --> 00:58:45.166 Thank you.